step-mommy-ness

Well, from the beginning of The OP and I's relationship as soon as people found out that he had been married before and had two children they told me to turn around and walk in the other direction. They talked about how hard this was going to be and how it would probably not get any better and how difficult it would be to deal with the ex-wife. I was constantly nodding my head and I agreed with everything that they said. I had never dated someone that had been married before, but I DID somehow know that it would be hard. Boy...hard is just not a strong enough word for how difficult it is. No one ever talks about the stress of being the "new" wife/step-mommy. Yea, know one tells you that. Yes, it is MUCH harder on the kids than it would ever be for me, but the stress and the heartache that this entire situation has caused me is beyond words. Add to that the fact that this isn't something that is going to go away anytime soon...well, let's just say that I often have a bad attitude about it.

I want to clarify that I really do love The Ops sons, D and C. They are so close in age that they might as well be twins. They are beautiful children who can be down right angelic and fun to be around. I worry about them every single day and I often think that the stress would be easier on myself and The OP if they lived with us all the time, but they don't. We share. We live 45 minutes away from their mom so we only have them every other weekend. It stinks. I feel sorry for them. Divorce is such an ugly thing. You just can't understand how ugly and hurtful it is until you have lived it. Before I married The OP I knew nothing of divorce. No one in my family had been divorced. I was about to get a crash course.

Can I talk about the beeotch for a minutes. It makes me mad sometimes that The OP was married to her, I get mad that he has experienced life with her, I get even more mad to think about the fact that when I carry our child and give birth to it - he will have already experienced that...with another woman. Wow...blow to the gut. When I first realized this, it took me a while to get over it. Now, as we are about to hopefully embark on that journey together I have forbidden him from ever referring to his prior experience. Some people believe that this is ridiculous of me, but put yourself in my shoes. Seriously? Think about it.

Can I mention how difficult it is to share children? Here we have two children ages 7 and 5(almost 6). The OP and I sacrifice financially for them, we worry about them, we buy them things, we spend time with them, we give up a lot for these children, but yet we have no real influence on them due to the time factor. We aren't able to invest in them in the way that we need to. The way that we WANT to. The way that the boys NEED US TO. Let's face it The Bee and her husband are not exactly going to raise D and C like The OP and I would. That's hard to get over. PLUS, we have to deal with D and C and their behavior, which is often atrocious.

Here is my mantra..."Just do the best you can, you can only do your best...you have to be ok with that." Sad, huh?