Goodbye 2007

I have to say that 2007 was a fairly smooth and fine year. Sometimes, like many others, I just wonder when the other ball is going to drop. Until that time comes, though, I just enjoy my life...every minute of it because I know that everything can change in an instant.


January through March of 2007 was filled with wedding planning, bridal showers, and a great bachelorette weekend. I have never been in more awe of the people in my life. The love that they showed me in those days, I will never forget. Mutiple showers, beautiful decorations, wonderful friends. I was so flattered because I had just never realized. So, after all of that I have decided to pay it forward in a way. Weddings and babies...I'm going to be there for the people that I love. A great attitude and a little attnetion can go a long way.


April was a whirlwind of final preparations, planning, and the wedding itself. Our wedding was everything that I wanted and more. Yes, there were things that I would have changed, but I try not to dwell on those things. The love that we felt on that day that we joined our lives together was amazingly beautiful. Words cannot describe how special our wedding day was. We were so happy. We ARE so happy. In May we were on our honeymoon in Hawaii. It was an absolutely magical time and we are determined to go back one day. After the honeymoon we returned home and began the adjustment. No wedding to plan, no big event to look forward to. Just live, work and raise the boys. May and June were filled with D's baseball games and fun at the pool. My dad's 50th birthday was in June and we had a fine surprise celebration for him. Another of my best friends was married in June and then in August my cousin was married.


June through September were filled with problems with the ex-wife. It was a time of turmoil and stress culminating in a very heartbreaking and embarssing scene. (I may blog about it some day). Needless to say during these months The OP and I were VERY stressed. All of the drama/controversery really brought us even closer together, though. Thank.You.God.


In August, September and October the OP spent a lot of time coaching D's soccer team. This was definitely a bright spot for the year. It was wonderful to watch D have fun with paying soccer and to watch The OP coach this team so well. I was so proud of him.


In October I ended my BCP and had high hopes. Hopes that were eventually dashed just a little bit, but as we all know I'm gearing the hope up again because in a few weeks I'm hoping that we will be back in the game that could change our lives forever.


Work this year has been mundane to say the least, but I'm fairly well paid and I have a lot of freedom. I work with family which at times can be trying, but in a way I wouldn't trade it for the world. For The OP this year at work has been a time of success. He has really found himself this year and his place. He's proud of himself and that is a huge deal! I'm proud of him, his family is proud of him and my family is sooo proud of him. There has been some adversity for him on the job, but he has been able to overcome and move through it.


Our friendships with other people have taken somewhat of a backward slide in 2007. I wouldn't say that it is a huge regression, but it's there. My friendships, the further that I get away from college, get harder and harder to maintain. I think that there are several of my friends that I will always be friends with, but I'm not going to lie it takes work! Hard work. The OP does not really have any true friends. I believe that he deals with this fact very well, but he does have his moments. It's just depressing to him. The OP had many many friends in "the good old days" when he was a big bad redneck. Now that he is just a big good redneck those people are not his friends anymore and he has struggled to make new friends. He just doesn't have anything in common with my friend's significant others.

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I began writing this post on 12/30 and at about 2:50 I quit writing and went to go shopping with a friend. Then I received a phone call. My dear cousin, Laura, 29 weeks pregnant had started bleeding. She was rushed to the hospital. No idea what would happen. I freaked out. Laura is a year older than me and she and I have always been like two peas in a pod. We really have nothing in common, but yet we are close. This baby will be like my neice or nephew. I was balling. I ran home, scared my husband half to death, threw some clothes in a bag and raced out the door to drive an hour and twenty minutes to the hospital. I was about 20 minutes away when I received the call that through an emergency c-section Laura had given birth to a baby girl...as of right now everyone was fine. I have never felt so much relief in all of my life. 2 lbs. 6 oz...Anna. She has a long long road ahead of her, but we are praying and hopeful that everything will be ok.

It was a placental abruption. Laura was washing dishes and felt a trickle. It was blood and it started slowly but within minutes was gushing. She called 911 and was rushed to the hospital. They had hoped to give the steroid shots and then deliver in about 24 hours, but when they got to the hospital her body started to go into full blown labor. Hence, the emergency c-section. It all happened in the space of two and a half hours. Eleven weeks early.

Wow.

A few days off...

I'm in the middle of a six day no work stint and I couldn't be happier. I have done nothing but shop for the past two days. The after Christmas sales around here are outrageous. I'm having a blast...can't you tell?!?!

Today I received a COMPLETELY unexpected Christmas bonus from my boss aka "dad". I never in a million years would have expected this, but oohhhhh does it make my heart sing. You see, The OP and I's financial situation is less than perfect. I constantly feel the burden of our finances and alas, The OP does not. It's really quite annoying, but I understand why. I grew up with and The OP definitely grew up without. What we have right now is more than The OP has ever had in his entire life. But for me what we have now is less than what I have had for almost my entire life. He says that I am obsessed with money, but really I feel like I am not. I don't like to be in debt and I want to own our own home. In order to do both of those things I must be frugile and squirrel away money. Things are tight...alot of the time things are tighter than I can handle. The OP makes a very good wage, but it's the child support that KILLS us. It's outrageous. I knew that going into it, though so I really can't complain. We will never be financially rich, I will never get to be a stay at home mom, and we will never get to travel as much as I would love to. Today's bonus sure does make me breathe a little easier though.

So, tomorrow I'm travelling about an hour away to visit some very dear friends of mine. These girls mean the world to me and I just don't get to see them much. I'm really looking forward to it. Sunday and Monday I plan on doing nothing except cleaning the downstairs of our house and cooking a little. New Years Eve we are having another couple over to our house to play games, eat, and watch football. Should be fun. New Years Day I will mourn the end of my vacation and attempt to psych myself into being ready for work the next day. Yuck.

Merry Christmas and a Freak Out

The holiday was great, but it was also a struggle. I look forward to Christmas SO MUCH! But, alas, I ALWAYS get soooo stressed out. We had to travel so much. Just day trips, mind you, but those are sometimes the worst! Drive there, drive back. Yuck. I honestly DID have a good time with my family and nothing beats that cozy feel of Christmas. We had the boys all weekend and let's just face it they add a whole new dimension of stress to the story...you know what I mean. They are rambunctious, they fight, they don't appreciate ANYTHING. The OP and I go them a good amount of gifts...as much as we could afford. To compare the amount to what I got as a child it was less so one would think that I would be ok with it. I wasn't. When they were done opening gifts at our house and every other house that we visited...I felt like we had done them a disservice. I felt like calling them spoiled little brats because that's what they were acting like. Daddy and step-mommy were in bad moods most of the time because of them. The holidays brought the worst out in the children. That's a big fat yuck. First it saddens me that I felt this way about them. Of course, I tried to hide it. But they just bug the crap out of me. They were so obnoxious and unappreciative. Is this a normal feeling. I'm a horrible person, I think. Secondly, I'm mad that it tainted my holiday bliss that I like to enjoy. By the time that last night rolled around...The OP was DONE. He was in SUCH a bad mood. We were at my parent's house and I just knew that I had to get him home so that he could be alone (as alone as you can be in a 1700 sf house with two adults, two ROWDY kids, and a dog). So home we went and he got to watch his Westerns for a few hours which is all he wanted to be able to do all day. Poor boy was socially exhausted. The last straw was when D ate his dinner too fast and then proceeded to throw up all over my mother's half bath. The OP had to clean it up. He was pissed. heehee. We went home. We banished the boys to their room to play with all of their new toys, The OP stayed downstairs and watched his beloved westerns, and I...well, I went to bed at 10:00.

So, here's my other beef with the holidays. My baby wanting was much much more acute. I want to know why it is that I stress and mourn for something that I haven't even really struggled for yet? I don't feel as if I DESERVE to have these feelings, but yet I do. I have wanted a child for so long. My entire life I've known that I wanted to be a wife and a mommy above all else. So, when The OP and I became engaged that baby "step" became much more real to me. Then when we were married...I was already ready. That was eight months ago. Then came the P.C.O.S. and I just fear the unknown. I just hate not knowing. But, isn't that what everyone says about so many things in life. I know that I just have to trust God, pray for his guidance, and pray that he gives me wisdom. Over the last few days I don't know how many times the thought went through my head..."maybe by this time next year we will have a baby here with us!". Maybe, just maybe.

We went to Ohio to visit family. My cousin, Lala is pregnant. She and I are VERY close. We are nothing alike, but we share a bond that can only be found by two people who have known one another for their entire lives. Her baby is due March 18th and this was the first time that I had seen her with a true baby belly. I wanted to cry. I wanted to weep with happiness for her. I wanted to weep with WANT for myself. I couldn't stop looking at it. Ohh I just cannot wait to hold her child. The Wanting has never hit me as hard as it did when I was visiting with her.

The Wanting...

p.s. I think that I might have ovulated yesterday. I have had a clear thermal shift. Of course, then again you never know. It could just be my polycystic ovaries firing up to go and then going SPLAT!!!

Here's the weird part...

Ok, I'm about to blow everyone's mind. Here's my weirdness. BUT, I want to clarify that the only reason that I'm weird is BECAUSE of my husband.

The OPs father is married to the ex-wife's mother. So, basically the bee-otch is The OPs ex-wife and step sister all in the same swoop. Now, mamaw and papaw didn't get married until about four years ago, but let's face it this only makes this situation slightly less weird. The other saving grace about it is that The OPs real siblings really dislike Mamaw's daughters so we never have to do anything with them as "one big happy family". Thank. the. Lord.

The OP, though, actually likes mamaw's daughters (other than the bee-otch). So, at this present time my husband's ex-wife's sister and her husband are staying at our house. Now, if you didn't know all of that other background this would be weird. Heck...it's still weird no matter how you pull it. That's why when The OP told me about this visit, I was less than thrilled. I don't mind to spend time and visit, but they STAYED THE NIGHT. They are alone in our house this morning while WE ARE AT WORK. I'm taking them to the airport in a few hours. I hid a lot of stuff and I wish I had a camera to see if they snoop around. I like these two, really I do but I don't know them all that well and neither, really, does The OP. PLUS, the step-sister is always going to be the ex-wife's sister, first and foremost. I'm convinced that she is at my house this very minute going through our stuff. Looking in the boys room to see if we have adequate accomodations for them, looking through our night stand to try to find something incriminating, looking through our important papers, etc. I'm imagining it all. I've never had an experience like this. Ummm actually probably no one has had an experience like this. My dog better be in one piece when I get home. Of course my honey is not worried about any of this. He told me I was crazy. Isn't there some statistic that like 75% of people will look in the cabinets when they are using the restroom at someone elses home. These people have hours to do this. Then I'm wondering...what would I do if I were in their situation? I honestly have no idea. GAH...I can't wait until this is over!

Tis the season

For...

• Not having enough time to bake, which is one of my most favorite things to do around the holidays.
• Burning up the credit card.
• Snuggling up on the sofa with my honey or the doggy or a good book.
• Feeling frazzled by all of the hustle and bustle.
• Wishing that there would be either a baby in my arms or in my belly.
• Praying that my Christmas cards that I ordered online come in on time so that I don't look like an unorganized dork.
• Looking forward to seeing the fam!
• Back aches from sitting on the floor for so long wrapping presents.
• Constant bathroom problems because of the Me.tformin. BECAUSE I can't stay away from the sugar and the carbs.
• Not ever being able to make it to the gym.
• Being behind at work because of days off.
• Christmas music...all day long...everyday. I LOVE IT!
• Watching every Christmas movie known to man...because, that's just what you do, isn't it?
• Looking forward to going to the mailbox just to see the latest Christmas card.
• Dreading January
• My heating unit going on the brink.
• Hot cocoa from Panera.
• Driving slowly at night in order to take in all of the twinkling lights.
• Joy!

Can't quit thinking about IT today

Today I have exchanged a few emails with a good friend of mine that I haven't previously told about my baby fever or my P.C.O.S. In her first email she asked me how I was doing. For some reason I answered her and spilled my guts. Talk about a long email. To explain PCOS to someone that has never heard of it is really an insurmountable task. I feel like I could write a book about it and I've only been diagnosed for five weeks. She's probably been completely overwhelmed reading my emails. I should have just called her. Some things are just easier to get off of your chest when you can type it out. (hence this is why I have a blog).

So how AM I doing with my syndrome? I'm fine. The side effects are getting to be fewer and fewer. They are really random and unpredictable, but they're nothing that I can't handle. I honestly do not feel any different and this worries me. My theory is that if the Met is working and my insulin is more regulated shouldn't I have more energy??!? I guess that I should preface that by saying that I've never in my life felt like I didn't have enough energy. I've felt fine really...I've never felt overly tired, I've never noticed any change. So really I don't know. It's just another conundrum of PCOS. The longer this goes on the more questions I have and the more I want to go and see and RE sooner rather than later. This syndrome is just SO complicated. I'm really trying to do more and more research on the internet. There are so many infertility blogs made by women just like me, but I can't seem to find someone that it just like me...I guess that's what I'm looking for. Someone that has my same symptoms, problems, side effects, etc. It's very hard to wade through all of it.

Can I also say that there are babies everywhere in my life. I'm definitely not bitter by any means about all of this yet. For goodness sake it has only been a few months. But, I am inpatient. God is teaching me a lesson. Anyway, babies are everywhere. Births, showers, bellies, babies babies babies. I can see where this gets to be very disheartening for many women in the long run. I've just got to keep a positive attitude because once my attitude turns that corner to sour...it's very hard for me to get it back.

My cousin who is three years younger than me is going to be a first time daddy with his new wife. They got married last January and she was pregnant by July. She was married before and has a 7 year old daughter, apparantly she got divorced the first time because she cheated. Well, she has now cheated on my cousin. I've known this little tidbit of information since September. I CANNOT EXPLAIN how hard this has been for me to not tell other people in my family. My cousin's brother is the one that told me. I know, my husband knows and my aunt and uncle know. That's it. So, this woman cheated on my cousin when she ALREADY KNEW THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT!!! Can you even believe it? My cousin doesn't know that I know. Ever since then I have just felt sooo bad for him. He doesn't deserve this. His brother told me that he has forgiven her and that they are working through it, but I think that things are not going well. I cannot imagine how hard this is for him. Don't you think that he secretly questions if the child is even his? I would. Let me tell you something, though. He will know the minute that the baby is born if she's not his. That family has the strongest genes imaginable. I'm telling you...we will all know. I think that it's just a matter of time before the rest of the family finds out. I don't know if their marraige will survive it. How am I supposed to keep holding on to this secret? I am soooo angry at her, but yet I have to act like things are a-ok. I love him like a little brother and I just want him to be happy. Yuck.

Christmastime

Can I just say that this is BY FAR my most favorite time of the year. Christmas is something that I look forward to all year long. It's not necessarily about Christmas day but it's about the season as a whole. The tree, the lights, the baking, the church services, the shopping...all of it. I love it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am a sucker for family time and the holiday season is chalk full of it. Last weekend we went and saw the movie Fred Claus. We had heard mixed reviews about this movie so I was a little anxious about seeing it, but we took the boys and my mom and we went. I was in heaven. It was Christmas galore and the movie really did have a great message. Of course, the movie was no Forest Gump, but it was great. I was beaming when I left the theatre. I can't help being a sucker.

Every year our company adopts a family that needs help. THIS is the other thing that I love about the season. I look forward to helping these people all year long. If I had money I would do this for people all the time because I love it soooo much. This year our family is from my hometown and we found them through some people that we know in the school system. The family consists of a mom and a dad who both work full time but don't have any health insurance and they barely make it. There is a grandmother with whom the family has had to move in with. They have five children. Ages: 6,7,8,9,10. We bought them tons of clothes, some toys, toiletries, dry goods, and we were able to put a few hundred dollars towards the family's electric bill. I dream about the looks on those children's faces as they open their gifts. I can only imagine the relief that their parents will feel.

The OP and I aren't buying gifts for one another. We're buying new living room furniture. Glory be to God! No more slipcovers, no more 20 year old couches, no more feeling like I still live in a dorm room.

step-mommy-ness

Well, from the beginning of The OP and I's relationship as soon as people found out that he had been married before and had two children they told me to turn around and walk in the other direction. They talked about how hard this was going to be and how it would probably not get any better and how difficult it would be to deal with the ex-wife. I was constantly nodding my head and I agreed with everything that they said. I had never dated someone that had been married before, but I DID somehow know that it would be hard. Boy...hard is just not a strong enough word for how difficult it is. No one ever talks about the stress of being the "new" wife/step-mommy. Yea, know one tells you that. Yes, it is MUCH harder on the kids than it would ever be for me, but the stress and the heartache that this entire situation has caused me is beyond words. Add to that the fact that this isn't something that is going to go away anytime soon...well, let's just say that I often have a bad attitude about it.

I want to clarify that I really do love The Ops sons, D and C. They are so close in age that they might as well be twins. They are beautiful children who can be down right angelic and fun to be around. I worry about them every single day and I often think that the stress would be easier on myself and The OP if they lived with us all the time, but they don't. We share. We live 45 minutes away from their mom so we only have them every other weekend. It stinks. I feel sorry for them. Divorce is such an ugly thing. You just can't understand how ugly and hurtful it is until you have lived it. Before I married The OP I knew nothing of divorce. No one in my family had been divorced. I was about to get a crash course.

Can I talk about the beeotch for a minutes. It makes me mad sometimes that The OP was married to her, I get mad that he has experienced life with her, I get even more mad to think about the fact that when I carry our child and give birth to it - he will have already experienced that...with another woman. Wow...blow to the gut. When I first realized this, it took me a while to get over it. Now, as we are about to hopefully embark on that journey together I have forbidden him from ever referring to his prior experience. Some people believe that this is ridiculous of me, but put yourself in my shoes. Seriously? Think about it.

Can I mention how difficult it is to share children? Here we have two children ages 7 and 5(almost 6). The OP and I sacrifice financially for them, we worry about them, we buy them things, we spend time with them, we give up a lot for these children, but yet we have no real influence on them due to the time factor. We aren't able to invest in them in the way that we need to. The way that we WANT to. The way that the boys NEED US TO. Let's face it The Bee and her husband are not exactly going to raise D and C like The OP and I would. That's hard to get over. PLUS, we have to deal with D and C and their behavior, which is often atrocious.

Here is my mantra..."Just do the best you can, you can only do your best...you have to be ok with that." Sad, huh?

It's a new day

So, today old aunt flo (AF) is visiting me. Pretty much on schedule. This will be my third cycle off of birth con.trol. The first cycle was 26 days and the second was 30. Not bad. So, why is it that the MAIN SYMPTOM of PCOS is an irregular or missing period? And why is it that I have PCOS, but not this symptom? Why do I have to be an annomaly?

So, what is really killing me is the unknown. Yes, I know that this is what everyone says about ANYTHING that they are worried about, but it's soooo true. I want to know how long it is going to take me to become pregnant. I want to know if I truly ovulate (like I think I do) or is my body just tricking me out. I want to know if we are going to have to use fertility drugs or IUI or IVF! GAH...a girl needs to know these things. Hello! God, are you there? Where's my crystal ball???

I really wish that it was January 17th so that I could go to the doctor and get on with this!

Conversation

This conversation occurred while driving with my best friend on our way to shop.

LD: "So, how's it going with that medicine?"

Me: "Um...I feel slighty naseous all of the time."

LD: "Oh...umm....OK."

And that was it. Only someone else on this medicine can know what I mean.

Baby Shower

Today I attended a baby shower for a good friend of mine. Her baby boy was born 5 1/2 weeks early so he's already here and set to go home from the NICU tomorrow. At this point in my life I LOVE baby showers. I had fun hearing about his birth, looking at pictures, playing baby shower games, watching her open gifts and when I left I left with a real sense of longing.

One of my other friends attended the shower and she is nine weeks pregnant. Another girl was there with her four month old precious little girl. LONGING

I wish for a baby so badly that I can feel one in my arms sometimes. I craved to hear about every little detail of baby Cal's birth. I want to hear about the good, the bad and the ugly. When the four month old's mommy started to talk about her bout with colic I was all ears. What book was that that you read I said? Ohh yes, Happiest Baby on The Blo.ck. You taped the vaccum cleaner to replay as she goes to sleep every night? Yes, I've heard of that. Other people in the room were looking at me like I was crazy. You aren't pregnant, you don't have children of your own. Why do you know all of this stuff?? and what was I to say? Because I'm obsessed with the idea of becoming a mommy? No, I gave my standard answer...I've just been around a lot of babies and my husband and I are THINKING about having a baby in the future. It's all true, but I have also done more research on conceiving a child, carrying a child, birthing a child and raising a child than I would care to admit. I do partly blame this fact on my job. Let's face it, my job is borrrrrring. It provides me with plenty of time to surf the net and feed my obsession. It's not healthy, I know. But, there is something to be said for being prepared for a huge change in your life. There's a fine line, though and I may have crossed it.

So, am I jinxing myself? I have backed off quite a bit since my diagnosis. I've handled this mandatory "break" pretty well if I do say so myself.

Here's a vent though. My very good friend that is nine weeks pregnant is just SO non-chalant about the whole thing. She just has this attitude about it. She's nine weeks pregnant and has not done any research, no preparation. It drives me crazy! It's like she's not interested yet. The only thing that I heard her say about the pregnancy was that she already felt fat and it was really depressing her. UGH!!!! I wanted to smack her. Where's the joy? Where's the desire to no more? Is she abnormal...or it could quite possibly be me...abnormal. Hey well, my health is abnormal so why shouldn't the rest of me be abnormal as well?

Abnormality - It's the new black.

Death to the Met

This medicine is driving me crazy. I'm taking 1000 mg. now and I'm supposed to up that to 1500 mg tonight. I'm nauseaus, have a headache and I just generally don't feel like myself. YUCK! I hope this subsides. I have even been trying to watch what I eat. I thought that I actually did really well over the Thanksgiving holiday, but that was when my symptoms started up! Gah...I'm going to be optimistic that this is going to get better.

Holiday Weekend Recap

Wednesday, November 21

• Annual Deer Roast at work. We have this in honor of all of our employess so that they know that they are appreciated. It's a nice event...even if management has to work their a**es off to pull the whole thing off.
• Go home and make corn casserole for Turkey Day.

Thursday, November 22 - ie; Turkey Day

• Go to Ohio with ma and pop...sans husband. He wanted to go hunting. He whined, he begged, he pleaded, he went. I really didn't mind actually. In hindsight, you will see that it was a good thing...Let's continue.
• On the way to Ohio receive call from good friend's husband. She is in active labor. Five and a half weeks early. Commence worrying.
• Eat at Grandma's. Protect my 4 year old cousin (who I love dearly dearly) from my aunt's crazy, spastic dog.
• Receive call from Husband's grandmother. The OPs father is in the hospital. Blood Clot in his lung. So, let's review about The OPs father. The OP and his daddy (yes, my husband is 30 YEARS OLD and he calls his father "daddy"...I think it's cute) are tight. When I say tight I mean the umbilicle cord might as well be attached between the two of them. So, when "daddy" goes to the hospital it's a HUGE deal. ALSO, the thing is that "daddy" is only 51 and he is in the hospital religiously. I'm serious. I'm not trying to make light of this fact but really, he is. So, I commence to worrying about "daddy".
• Receive call from good friend...the baby boy has arrived safe and sound. He's in the NICU but needs no help breathing. 4lbs. 6 oz. I'm breathing slightly easier now.

Friday November 23, 2007

• Visit Daddy in the hospital for approximately five hours.
• Eat lunch
• Go home and clean clean clean clean. By the way...T-minus 24 hours until the in-laws are packed like sardines into my little house eating my turkey. My stress level is at the maximum.
• The OP goes and picks up the boys from their mom. They arrive at our house with a fresh dose of nasty attitude and he and I want to strangle both of them within five minutes of their arrival. We proceed to really tick them off when we ban them from using the downstairs bathroom. They look at us with faces that say, "what the heck?". I explain that I already spent an hour cleaning that bathroom and I DON'T want to have to do it again. Little boys = not good at aiming for the toilette.
• We eat frozen pizza for dinner.
• I'm am struck with an EVEN WORSE headache than I have already had ALL day. I start to feel sweaty and nauseaus. I go to bed at 9:00. I feel absolutely horrible.

Saturday November 24, 2007

• The day dawns and I no longer have a headache, but am instead filled with dread for the coming 12 hours.
• "daddy" is still in the hospital. Still feeling a sense of dread and worry.
• The OP and I commence to a day full of cleaning, cooking, planning, and trying to time things perfectly while trying to keep the boys entertained and behaving. (I need to think of a nickname for them for this blog...I'll work on that).
• Receive phone call from "daddy" himself...he's out of the hospital. WHAT?!?! umm hello? He will be at the dinner tonight. Repeat look of amazement. How is this possible you ask? I have no idea....don't ask. Just go with it.
• Guests begin to arrive, the temperature on our 1st floor begins to rise, and rise, and rise. I begin to sweat and I don't stop.
• I'm cooking, re-heating what other people brought, setting stuff out. We eat. And then the clean up begins.
• I never knew my kitchen was so small. I'm overwhelmed. I'm still sweating.
• Sister in law gets ticked off. Long story.
• Everyone leaves by 6:30 (we ate at 5:15) except for The OPs sister. I'm thinking I did all that work for THAT!
• So, to quickly re-cap. The food and the presentation was amazing. I was sooooo proud of us. But, let's face it chargers and cloth napkins were lost on this crowd. The turkey was juicy, the mashed potatoes were perfection. Need I say more?

Sunday November 25, 2007

• My Birthday! Here was the plan. Go to church, go to lunch with the family, go see Fred Claus. That's what I wanted to do.
• Here's what really happened. Wake up, the five year old wakes up with a low grade fever and a sore throat. I go to church with the seven year old. The seven year old has an attitude and doesn't want to eat brunch with the family, I take him home to comiserate with his daddy and his sick brother. I eat brunch. My mom and dad come over with a homemade cake (have I mentioned how much I love my mother) and gifts.
• That evening The OP wanted me to go with him to take the boys to their mom. I said no. It was my birthday...not seeing her was a gift all to itself.
• I developed another headache and went to bed hoping that it would go away.

So, that was it. Five days of madness with not a relaxing moment in sight. Gotta love the holidays.

Birthday/Christmas List

Here's a list of things that I want for my birthday/christmas. Some of them are VERY far-fetched, but I'm putting them on there anyway.

• Camera - Digital, SLR, w/ lens
• Storm door for our front door
• A baby
• New House
• Tennis Shoes
• Gift Certificate for mani/pedis
• A baby
• Gift Certificate for clothes
• Christmas CDs
• Sugarland CD
• A baby
• A subscription to Real Simple Magazine
• New dirty laundry organizer
• Bath rugs for master bath
• Living Room furniture
• A baby

Quite the variety, huh?

Fever Update

So, today I stepped up my metf.ormin intake to 1,000 mg. So far I've had very minimal side effects. As we have already established on this blog I am an worry wart. Basically I'm thinking that either I'm not going to feel the side effects until I get up to 1,500 mg or it's not working at all.

I have done a horrible job about working on my diet and I haven't been to the gym in A WEEK! I just can't help it...this Thanksgiving thing is really overwhelming me and I just can't do it all. I know that I have to, though. So, next week I will. I promise.

Does anyone else in this world feel like the internet is a double edged sword? Through the internet it's like the world is at your finger tips. Shopping, researching, chatting, anything you want it's there. For me, it has become too much. I read blogs, I read message boards, I read medical papers....and all of these things are scaring the shite out of me! I just can't help it though...I just keep reading. What I'm reading is not good. Why oh why do I torture myself?!?!?

Also, here in the land of Thanksgiving...I'm tired of cooking. Why is my family like this? Here's the list.

1. Sunday - Thanksgiving w/ Dad's family; pumpkin pecan pie, asparagus casserole, spinach artichoke dip
2. Wednesday - Thanksgiving at work; brownies, no bake cookies (enough to feed 80 people)
3. Thursday - Thanksgiving w/ Mom's family; corn casserole
4. Saturday - Thanksgiving w/ the in-laws; Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, cooked carrots...also add in clean the entire house to this list.

Also, here in the land of Christmas shopping...little boys have boring clothing. That's why I need a little girl (PLEASE GOD!!!). Boys wear jeans, track pants, t-shirts, sweatshirts, and polo shirts. My boys won't wear sweaters, vests, zip up hoodies...blah blah blah. Their mother has ensured that they don't have good taste.

I'm cooking up a post about being a wife to a person with an ex-wife, being a step mom, etc. We'll see.

Sentimental Value

So, my dad is not really a sappy, sentimental guy, but he IS crazy about sentimental value. Yesterday had to rank way up there on his sentimental value-o-mometer. We celebrated Thanksgiving at our family farm...which we have never done before.

Here's the background: My grandparents immigrated to the U.S. from Germany in 1956. The very first thing that they purchased and paid off here was a couple hundred acre farm in the rural part of my state. You see, their families had lost EVERYTHING during World War II and my grandfather knew that living in the land of freedom, if you own property...no one can ever take that away. So, this land, is like everything to us. It will never be sold, never be divided, it will always be in our family.

Up until this year, the farm was just a hunting place and the occasional place to go ride ATV's, go fishing, etc. Then this year my father and my uncle decided that they old farm house just wouldn't do anymore and they commenced to building a cabin. This cabin turned into quite the thing. Example: The TV's in the cabin are nicer than all of the TVs in my dad's own home! So, yesterday we gathered and spent time with one another. It was a beautiful day and I think that everyone thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

It's days like yesterday when I am reminded of just how blessed my life is. I'm reminded that I need to live in the now and be grateful for every breath that I get to take.

************************************************************************************

On Saturday I spent $200.00 at the big box store that starts with a W. I nearly died. Right there in the line. I'm never going to get new furniture. Stupid Food. AND everybody in the various families that I'm associated with is currently up in arms about gift exchanges. We don't have the money!!! Why is it so hard for people to understand? We have children to buy for and they are our FIRST priority.
Although, I do feel distinctly sorry for The OPs father and step-mother. Pepaw has three children and Memaw has four. All of their children are married and all of them except one have children of their own. Several of those children married people that already had children. They have seven kids to buy for, seven spouses to buy for, and NINETEEN grandkids to buy for. God bless their souls.

Let's talk about me some more

I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't want to do anything. I think about having a baby 24/7. I don't know how to stop it. I pray, I stay busy...nothing helps. I'm being consumed and I have got to find a way to quit it. I mean I can't even TRY to have a baby right now. I HAVE to just live my life and quit wishing the hours away. That's no way to live and it's definitely not the right way to live. Blech.

I'm at work, I think about it. I'm at home, I think about it. When I'm talking to someone, I want to bring up something baby-related. I'm constantly on the computer about it. Yuck yuck yuck. How do I get out of this funk? It's putting me in a bad mood! I want to scream. I want it to happen for us now now NOW! God help me because I have got a longggg journey in front of me. I just want to scream scream scream.

Cysts and Syndromes

Monday night The OP had a cyst removed from his cheek. The cyst had been there for about seven years and about five years ago he had it removed, but then it grew back. Our good friend, Dr. LV performed the procedure and she let me watch! It was soooo cool. Of course, The OP didn't really appreciate my exclamations of "Ohhh neat....Interesting...Wow! I never realized!". Hey! At least somebody got to have a good time.

I definitely have P.COS. Ms. NP did a wonderful job of explaining everything to me. I just wish that she could have explained it to my mother because I think that she is freaking out. How do I feel about the diagnosis? Worried. BUT I am trying very hard to not stress out. I was started on met.formin and I will go back in January for more blood work to see if things have evened out. If they have we can try for a baby again. I'm just not a patient person...God is teaching me a lesson. I'll get through. I'm trying to not make too big of a deal out of it. The OP doesn't deal well with "big deals".

A diagnosis of P.COS is a life changing event. I get that. I just hope that I have the fortitude to do what needs to be done. More diet, more exercise, daily medication, blah blah blah. The story of my life.

On a side note I think that my mother has this same syndrome and that that is why she could never have any more children. I was a fluke.

I'm not surprised

So, Ms. C (the NP) called yesterday and told me that she basically thinks that I have PCO.S. Which, after doing some research, is actually worse than having a thyroid problem. I'm not surprised. I figured that this wouldn't be easy for me/us. All I know is that I have to get it under control. We're talking life long consequences here. Add in family history and already being overweight. Well, that's just a recipe for disaster. I want to figure out how to control this, and I also desperately want to have a child of my own. I truly believe that God has a child in our future...I just don't know when.

So today we begin the journey that is soooo easy for some and yet impossible for others. Let's just hope that it's not impossible for us. I'm going to have another consulation with Ms. C today and see what she says.

"The day is just dawning and I am just rising. I pray that my HOPE won't fail."

I don't know who wrote this, but I love it...always have.

A few things of note...

• One of my very best friends has just found out that she is going to be a mommy! I'm thrilled for her and her husband. They will be WONDERFUL parents. Shoot! I'm excited for myself...it's another baby to hold :)
• Can I just say that outlet mall shopping should be a sport. Saturday, my friends and I would have won the gold.
• The aforementioned nurse practicioner has STILL not called me back about my bloodwork. I'm getting irritated. If there is something wrong with me I NEED TO KNOW! She has definitely already lost her "god-like" status.
• The OP is getting on my nerves.
• Step Son #1 apparently thought that it would be a good idea to cut his own hair last week. He's SEVEN YEARS OLD...I mean come on, shouldn't he be beyond that sort of thing by now? His mom made him go to school with his butchered hair and he got made fun of. Serves him right. Then The OP made fun of him...yea, he'll definitely never do that again.
• Hunting, Hunting and more Hunting. That's all we hear about around here. I'll be so glad when it's over. You would think that I would be used to it by now.

Things that I love

I'm stealing this post idea from a fellow blogger. Hope she doesn't mind.

As I'm on the cusp of turning 26 here are a few of the things that I love about life.

Being on time. A hug from my honey. Christmastime. Holding a baby. Living in a part of the country where I get to experience ALL of the seasons. Talking with my dad. Listening to my German grandmother speak. Curling up and reading a romance novel. Ice-cream. Buying gifts for other people. Carrying my step son to bed when he has fallen asleep on the couch. Christmastime. Decorating for Christmas. Being cold. Peonies. My furry baby, Moe. Celebrity gossip. Television. Long walks around the neighborhood. My parent's house. Window shopping. Having the fan on while I sleep with a huge down comforter. When my husband kisses me good-bye for the day. Watching the kiddies play soccer. The joy on my huband's face as he coaches soccer. The anticipation of a new babies birth. Scrapbooking. My memories of our wedding day. Paula Deen. Children's Books. College Football on a beautiful fall day. My quiet time with God. My quiet time with myself. Being best friends with my mother. Chi.potle. Wildcat Blue. A clean house. Belting out a tune in the car when I'm alone. Magazines. The Sunday paper. Baking with my mom. Schnickenoodles. Photography. Feeling blessed beyond measure.

The Consultation

Yesterday I went for my consulation with the new nurse practicioner at my OBgyn's office. I LOVED HER! I was so heartbroken when I learned that the OB that I had wanted to switch to had decided to be a stay at home mom. Then, yesterday, I met my savior :) Let's get one thing straight...I like Dr. C (my current doctor), she's probably one of the best Obgyn's in the area, but she has the bedside manor of a ton of bricks. I need someone to talk to, someone that I can feel comfortable asking questions, support...I need support. Dr. C...not so good at support. I need Dr. C on my side, just not on an all the time basis. So, I was talking to Ms. NP and she said the words that I had most been wanting to hear..."I'm also a midwife, so I can do everything for you when the time comes!" HALLELUIA! I just love the idea of a midwife and I just didn't think that this was an option with my doctor.

So, back to why I was originally there. I just wanted a blood test done on my thyroid to rule out thyroid problems. Well, she not only granted me that wish, but they are also testing my blood for everything. Cholesterol, thyroid, LH hormones, etc. I'm ECSTATIC! She fudged the papers to make it look less "fertiliy-ish" and more "health problem-ish" so that insurance will cover it. SWEEEET!!! We'll see what the results say tomorrow when I call.

During my conversation with Ms. NP she asked if my husband and I were completely ready to have a baby and I, of course, said yes. She said that we will pursue this and that I shouldn't worry. She said that there are many things that I can take to increase my chances and then she said the word Clom.id. She said this like she was ready to give it to me right now! I couldn't believe it...I am not kidding you, I was not there to lament the fact that I didn't get pregnant on the first month trying. I said nothing about it. But she did. And I love her for it.

It's a Bust

So cycle one is over...a few days earlier than I had expected I might add. Not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.

I'm sad, but like I said previously I'm trying not to get too wrapped up. It's just hard though.

On to the next!

Tomorrow I'm going for a consult because I want to have my thyro.id checked. I have very low waking basal body temperatures and that is a symptom of hypothy.roidism. Uncontrolled hypothy.roidism can cause a lot of problems with conception and with staying pregnant. I don't want problems. This needs to be investigated. So that's what I'm going to do.

In other news...Gi.ada Delau.rentiis is pregnant. First of all, she makes me (and every other woman that I know) SICK. She is a chef specializing in Italian food. She probably weighs 100 lbs and she has the best body.ever. How do you cook authentic italian food and eat italian food and look like that? I need some of her genes. Also, I'm sure that she will be THE CUTEST pregnant lady ever. I think that she looks like the nicest, sweetest person in the world. I wish her the best but...blech!

In yet other news...my sisters in law are out of control. I called them to discuss Thanksgiving and told them to just let me know what they wanted to bring. I told them that we are definitely making the turkey, gravy, and mashed potatos and that we will make whatever else other people prefer not to make. So, I figured that they would email me back and say that they wanted to bring one to two items. One says she is bringing four dishes and the other says she is bringing three! ummmm ok. My mom says that I'm overreacting and that I should be grateful that they want to bring so many things. Fine. I'm grateful.

Let's skip the bird...who's with me?

Yes, Could we? Why do I want to skip the bird this year, you ask. Well, it's because I have to make the bird...for the first time...for my in-laws (GASP!!!!). I'm really really really not looking forward to it. The OP and I have a nice enough house, but it is definitely not big enough for ten adults and at least six kids. BESIDES the fact that the in-laws are not the most harmonious group in the world (that's an understatement). Yes, I love them and they are not the worst possible scenario, but everything is certainly not rosey all the time. In my type-A, worry wart mind I'm thinking of 171 ways that this thing could turn into World War III. GAWD...the chaos of it all, it's giving me the shivers just thinking about it!

This is November the 5th. Thanksgiving is November the 22nd. I'm already obsessing. In fact I've been obsessing since September. I kid you not people. It's going to get worse so just hold on to your hats.

Just for fun...so I remember it later.

Today is cycle day 23 and I am 8 days post ovulation. I'm not testing until CD 13...I swear.

Let me also just say that I would like to give my girlie parts a round of applause. When I went off the BC I had convinced myself that my body wouldn't do anything REMOTELY normal (such as ovulate). Well...I was wrong - apparently it has.

I am a little concerned though, because I'm temping and my BBT is very low. This could possibly be because of a thyroid problem, but I really don't have any of the other symptoms that point toward hypothyroidism. I'm waiting to see what happens at the end of this cycle and then I will talk to the doctor about it. Ugh! I hate the doctor.

The Giant Elephant in the room

A BABY. That's what I want, that's what my honey bunch wants. The topic of "baby" consumes my waking hours and my sleep (I dream about it all the time...but that's another post). Jill calls this "syndrome" baby rabies. I couldn't agree more. The Operator and I were married just six months ago...SIX MONTHS, gah! My type A always figured on a strict life plan. It went something like this: date for at least one year, be engaged for at least one year, be married for at least TWO years and then try for a baby. Well, THE MOMENT that we were married it was like a switch was flipped. A lot of you know the switch that I'm talking about. I noticed pregnant women everywhere, overnight EVERYONE that I knew was expecting a tiny, precious bundle of joy, I found myself wandering the baby aisles at my local Tar.get, and the final straw - I began to consider throwing that oh so important life plan out the window. Well now, I'm not only considering it...The OP and I have done it. We are trying for a baby. Can I get some applause on that one?!?

Here's the funniest thing that I've found about baby wanting. I WANT to tell EVERYONE. But I'm not going to. The OP has been sworn to secrecy (hah, that's a joke...if you only knew him!). Bottom line: I don't want to talk about it, but yet I can't STOP thinking about it and wishing that I could talk to someone about it. Then I discover that there is this whole underground-ish world of women out there that are just like me! I'm not alone...thank...GOD.

Some women say, "ohh, my husband and I just decided that we would quit using BC and just see what happens." I say to that statement, "yeah right!" In my dreams I wish that I could be that laid back about this. I want it to happen now and I am going to do whatever I have to do to make that happen. Do I hear snickering?

Alright, well I'm a type A but even more than being a Type A I'm a realist. So, I'm preparing myself for the long haul. My parents had horrible infertility problems, I've watched other family members struggle through the bog that is infertility...I know what it can do to a person. I hope, of course, that we don't have to go down that road, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm holding out hope and I'm praying everyday. Like that old cliche' says, "It'll happen when the time is right."

Oh screw it...I hate that phrase and I KNOW that every other woman out there that is trying to have a baby hates it too.

Getting Started

Umm hello vast internet world -
Alright, here we go.

First, this title of this blog does sound a bit...what's the word...dark, dreary, negative, blah (you pick one). I don't personally see it that way. The title is a little inside joke to myself - that's it. My life is wonderful, actually. Yes, I have the normal troubles such as finances, my job, occasional arguments with my husband (The Operator), etc. On the whole, though, life is good and I really have nothing to complain about (we'll see how long that lasts, hee hee).

So, I have never blogged BUT, I have some time on my hands during the day and I have a TON of thoughts whirling around in my head so I decided to share them with...myself. Maybe I will let others in...someday. To be honest I'm a little nervous about the whole "being found" aspect. I don't want that. I can already tell that I'm going to have a hard time figuring out how to share enough information, but not too much. We'll see how it goes.

What am I looking for in this blog?

1. An outlet for my random thoughts.
2. A place to record the happenings in my life, good and bad.
3. I'm anticipating being able to complain about all of the stupid things that I see going on in the world.
4. Eventually, some of my future posts will be a journal for my children (that I don't yet have). I want them to know about the days leading up to their conception, my pregnancy, their birth, and their childhood. It is my greatest wish to sit down with my children (God willing - yes, please GOD!) 20 years from now and share with them exactly how much they were loved...even before they were a whisper in our hearts.

That's it! My first post....now if only I could figure out how to publish the stupid thing...bwahahahhaaha