This Tiny Life

So...I took a digital today and it said the p-word. Nothing makes it more real than that at this point. I am thrilled. We are thrilled. I had to take a road trip yesterday and I prayed for about 45 minutes straight...about this baby, about my body's ability to carry this baby, about thanking God for this pregnancy. I feel like I should be in a constant state of prayer for the next 36 weeks. My hopes are rising and rising and my love is growing and growing for this tiny life inside of me.

The parents are on vacay and I just couldn't wait to tell them. My mother called me tonight at 8:15 and I told her. She was over the moon about it. I apologized to her for having to tell her and The Big Cat over the phone but, like I said I just couldn't wait. I need them to know and I need them to think positively and be excited. I need them to pray for us. For this Tiny Life. I just can't believe that this happened when they were out of town. It figures :) It was slighty anti-climactic. I always wished for a moment where we tell my parents in some cute way that they are going to be grandparents. haha so much for that. No matter, though.

Still don't feel any different. I don't really expect that I will for a few more weeks. My mom made the comment that I should enjoy feeling well while I can. I'm interested to see how my body reacts to a pregnancy. I'm hoping it reacts better than I think it will.

The OP is VERY BAD at keeping secrets....so, we will see how long this lasts. He's sooo excited, though. It's very cute.

Bless us, God...please Bless Us.

I have hope, I have joy, I have fear, I have anxiety, but above all else I have HOPE.

I have a positive pregnancy test. I am 13dpo.

I'm going to keep testing. I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow. I'm in shock. I'm scared. I refuse, though, to begin my very first pregnancy ever with a lack of hope and joy. I am allowing myself to be filled with joy until someone tells me that something is wrong....IF anything is wrong.

I'm allowed this joy and this hope...even if it is really really early. Please God, Please. I'm trusting in You for YOU have allowed this to happen. Bless us, God...please Bless Us.

Rainy Tuesday

Wow, my life is boring this week. The parental units left for a 2-week vacation last Sunday so we are dog sitting. They have two shelties and add that to my Maddy and me and The OP and our house is crowded. It's not technicall crowded...just our living area. Their shelties are used to like 6-acres so needless to say they are less than thrilled. 2-weeks! Who in America takes a two week vacay to the Caribbean? No one, I say, no one. I'm rediculously jealous. REDICULOUSLY.

The OP finally got his new truck...now we just have to figure out what to do with the old one. I'm thinking that we would get $1,500.00 out of it tops, but I'm trying to figure out how much of a pain it will be to sell it. It really may not be worth it. We are considering donating it to our church. You know...pay it forward type thing. We're trying to be good people!

AF is late by a few days. I'm just waiting to see what happens. I don't feel any different. My temperature is still up, but not really rising as of yet. Honestly I feel like AF could start at any minute. I'm praying a lot. I'm praying that no matter what happens, God's will be done and that God will give me faith. But seriously, surely it could not have been this easy especially at a time when we shouldn't be pregnant.

Our internet at the house was finally fixed this morning! Can I get a halleluia?!?! Thank You, Lord! It's sad how much The OP and I missed the internet. Really really sad.

It's raining here. A rainy Tuesday in January...how bleak is that?

And thinking about my parents basking in the warm sun of the Caribbean...makes it even bleaker.

Could I have made an oops?

Alright, well, this is my "diary" and I'm supposed to write everything that is on my heart. I'm not supposed to worry about what anyone thinks. I can't sensor myself that way. That's what I've been doing for the past few days.

I'm worried that I might be the p-word. Last week I O'd on Thursday, I know this because of OPK's and temping. I went to the doctor on Monday. Her exact words were "well, I'm pretty sure that your levels will have gone down. They weren't very elevated to begin with." So, The OP and I did the deed on Sunday night and Tuesday night. I wasn't going to do it on Tuesday night, but no one from the doctor's office called me with my results like they said they would so I guess that I stupidly thought that no news was good news. So we did it. Missionary, pre-seed, elevated hips afterward...the whole deal. It would be my luck that this would do the trick. My crazy luck.

If I am...I'm going to feel like a putz. There is going to be a shadow of worry and doubt over the beginning of my pregnancy. All of the risks keep running through my head. Poor egg quality, increased risk of birth defects, increased risk of downs syndrome, increased risk of miscarriage. Whew! So, I know that the chances of me being the p-word are small...miniscule even. Then if I am pregnant the chances of all of these negative outcomes are small, but they are still there. I'm not going to say that I'm freaking out about it, but seriously, it would be my luck. Get p-word when I shouldn't and don't get p-word when I can. These are just thoughts running through my head. I'm only 7 DPO...no symptoms...only this nagging dread that I've done something horribly wrong.

My Dr. thinks I'm a re-re

So I had my follow up appointment this morning.

First, I would like to say that my dr.'s office now has this huge waterfall/artpiece thing in the waiting room. My thought is that this is not a good idea in a room where many many pregnant women have to wait for hours on end for their appointments. Hello? The sound of rushing water definitely doesn't help with the ever present urge to go pee. Correct? Who thought of that one?

So, I didn't lose as much weight as I had thought...actually I didn't lose ANY weight. Stupid me, thought that I had. Stupid Stupid me. So, then after seeing the scale they wanted to take my blood pressure. Well, I have blood pressure that is VERY sensitive to my emotions. SO, when I saw the scale...BAM there it went. I knew right then and there that I was eventually going to lose it.

The NP comes in and sees that I'm upset and we talk about it. She asks if I want weight loss medicine. This would mean that we wouldn't be able to try for a baby for six more months. SHe says that the only reason that she is offering it is because I seem so upset. YES, I'm UPSET! Even the stupid metformin isn't helping me lose weight. I wanted to cuss. But, whatever, I'm not taking the medicine. I'm just going to try harder. I have to for my own sanity...and for my health. Everyone repeat this chant with me...I hate dieting, I hate dieting, I hate dieting...

So, we are to try on our own for 3 to 6 months. Basically after 3 months all I have to do is ask for the clomid and she'll give it to me...unmonitored mind you. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. We'll try for six months on our own and see what happens.

I asked her a million questions. One of which was does she think that I'm ovulating? "Of course," she said that since I'm regular, I'm ovulating. I didn't argue with her. I hate to be one of those patients that starts every sentence with, "well, I read on the internet". But, hell! I did read several times on the internet that just because you are regular doesn't mean that you are ovulating monthly.

She also told me that I don't need to use natural progesterone cream because I'm regular. I just thought that I would use it on the off chance that I DO become pregnant...to help with the chance of miscarriage. Whatever. I guess that I won't use it.

As our conversation went on and on, I just got more and more emtional until I was crying. Well, I started crying when she told me that I need to relax. I need to do whatever will help me to relax about this (pray, meditate, whatever). Don't get me wrong I completely know what she means and I didn't think that it was insensitive of her to tell me this because she's right...it's just that hearing that from my medical professional put me over the edge. I haven't cried about this whole situation until today. Right there in the little room where I could hear an ultrasound machine next door. Yuck. I felt like such a re-re. Like I've said before I just hate the "unknown" about all of this. Hell, we could conceive this week or we could conceive in two years. I really dislike my inability to plan this.

After she was done talking to me and I was good and splotchy, red, and tear stained(cause that's how I roll when I cry) and she wanted to re-check my blood pressure. OF COURSE, it wasn't any better. I was blubbering like an idiot. Lord. Help. Me.

Anyway, as soon as I get the blood work back tomorrow (which was just checking my blood sugars) we will be going full throttle in the baby making department even though we have no idea if our efforts will be all for nothing. I am not going to think about that, though. I'm going to pray, I'm going to have a positive attitude, and every month I may get frustrated, but I'm going to HOPE. Because when it comes right down to it, if you don't have hope...you've got nothing.

Conundrum

You know, when you think about baby making...I mean when you REALLY think about it, it is a conundrum. Look around you. There are a bazillion people in this world and they were all made (essentially) in the same way. You would think that it would be easy for everyone seeing as there are so many people in the world. Obviously it is not easy. When you are faced with a bump in road toward your parenthood goal you begin to realize what a miracle it really is to become pregnant and actually give birth to a live baby. Everything must align in just the right way, the timing must be impeccable, the body must be healthy, the body must be ready to grown and nourish a little life for 40 weeks and then give birth to it.

I just cannot believe that there are so many people in this world. I think that my short experience with a fertility problem has already made me confused about this, and amazed about this. Does anyone else understand what I mean? TTC is not this rare and fragile thing. It's something that happens to people all over the world...probably every few seconds. Didn't I hear a statistic once that said that I baby is born somewhere in the world every 3 seconds?

So, that being said why is it so impossible and/or frustrating for some...while it comes so surprisingly easy for others? I'm sure that this is an often asked question by many women that have been dealing with TTC for much longer than I. What is God's plan in all of this?

When I think about it a little bit more...these thoughts actually give me hope. Like it will happen for me someday too. Hopefully. Trust God, Jen, just trust him.

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Cycle Update: CD10, my chart is looking a little wonky, and my CBEFM is "getting to know me". Next week should be an interesting week.

Too much time on my hands...

Things that I'm thinking about today because it's a slow day at work:\

• I just took an online survey that was sent out through my church. It was all about how do you feel about your walk with God and how do you feel the church is doing with helping you to have a closer relationship with God. I love my church, but I know that I'm not living up to my potential. As a couple The OP and I are not where we should be with our walk. We have struggled to connect with others at our church simply because our church is large. We really, really want to be in a small group, but it just hasn't happened yet. I know that he and I need to be more pro-active about this.
• We are having a thunderstorm in January...how screwed up is that?
• FYI just because I talk about God...doesn't mean that I might not cuss on this blog. Please don't judge. No one is perfect. I enjoy a good cuss word every now and then.
• Christian, Mason or Brady...which boy name do I like best? The OP doesn't like Brady.
• Why, oh why do we play the name game when I'm not even pregnant. Oh yea, it's because I like to set myself up for disapointment, that's why. I'm a sucker
• Do I think that Hillary's tears the other day were staged or for real? I don't really know what I think. She did benefit from the dramz though.
• I love Per.ez Hi.lton. Seriously people...this man is insane, mean, funny, full of sh*t, judgemental, obnoxious, flamboyant (sp?), etc. etc. etc. That site is an addiction. It's very low of me to read it, but it's a guilty pleasure that I'm not giving up.
• My favorite girl name...just entered the top 100 after this past year. I'm a little upset about this. The OP and I have the two most popular names of our era and I just want my children to have something at least a little bit different. Of course, if The OP had his way he would pick names like Beth or Timmy (not that there is anything wrong with those names but they are just not my style).
• I'm helping plan a baby shower with two other girls. I have never in my entire life received so many emails about one shower, and we have JUST been discussing the LOCATION. GAH!!!! Sometimes it's just so much easier to plan things by yourself.
• When I read this today...I laughed out loud and the others in the gray tomb probably thought that I was going nutso. hoohaahooterus...I can't handle the funniness of that.
• I'm almost afraid to write this lest we be jinxing ourselves, but I think that The OP may be getting a COMPANY VEHICLE!!!! Can you hear me freaking out?!?! This is an answered prayer people. I can.not.believe.it. Of course, the only thing that The OP would say was, but I'm going to have to deal with the rules (::wah, wahh, wahhhh). and I said, be quiet and deal with it buddy. This means no truck payment and no insurance payment...you will deal with Stalin if you have to! I'm a mean wife. Shhhhh!
• I have a love affair with ice cream. Actually I haven't been thinking about that until just now. Craving, this is why I'm overweight, people.
• The girl that we are throwing the baby shower actually offered to (get this) have the baby shower at her house so that she doesn't have to transport all of the gifts back and so that she can show off the baby's room. Is this normal? I thought that this was a little unorthodox and rediculous. Yes, dear, but WE have to transport lots of food, games, paper products, and decorations and that's no fun at all. We told her no. I hope she's not in a wad over it.
• My mother's cousin is dying of cancer. Her doctors words were that she has cancer absolutely everywhere except for her arms and legs. This has been a VERY long battle for her and I think that for her this is almost a relief. Weird to think of it that way, isn't it? She has suffered for so many many years, though. I wish her peace. This really puts life in perspective. I'm alive and I shouldn't complain so much about petty things. This is an entire other post idea. Maybe in a few days.
• I have been begging The Big Cat (boss/father) for an office. You see right now I just have a "space" within the gray tomb. It really pisses me off. I hate it. I want four walls. A room, people. That's all I'm asking for. My mother says that the best way to get anything out of The Big Cat is to just keep bugging the crap out of him. (Yes, this is how she got her HUGE plasma screen TV with Bose surround sound installed in a room of the house that they don't even watch TV in...there's just an empty space that needs a TV, she said! Gah!)So, that's what I intend to do. I also need a new office chair. This one is v uncomfortable.
• I'm waiting on pins and needles for my new "neighborhood Wa.l M.art" to open up.
• I'm waiting on pins and needles for my appointment on Monday.
• That's all for now. I clearly have had too much time on my hands today.

The one who gave me life

I think that my mother is slightly freaking out because of me. When I told her about the PCOS, her stress began. There is a history of diabetes and heart disease in her family and since PCOS is a very hard thing to understand she became very worried about me. Of course, really since I have insulin resistance there is a REASON to worry. I'm just trying to not let it bother me. I had also not told anyone that we were trying for a baby. Well, when the diagnosis happened that changed that. I told her and my father that as soon as my blood work came back positively we would be starting our baby journey. You should have seen their faces. I was less than thrilled with their response. The OP and I are on the same page though. With this diagnosis I do not want to sit around and do nothing. We need to go ahead and start trying. Who gives a crap that our first wedding anniversary isn't until April. I would have started trying on our wedding night if it hadn't have been for "what other people though". Well, now I say screw what other people think (which is, of course, the attitude that I should have in all things) we are trying and we are going to go full tilt until we run out of funds or until we are emotionally spent. I said that word clomid to my mother the other day and I thought that she was going to fall out of her seat. Then she made ME almost fall out of my seat. "When I took Clomid, I didn't have any side effects,"She said. Huh? My mother took clomid? I knew that they had had trouble (hence, I'm an only child), but I just never knew any of the details. My mom is not one to talk about things like baby making, girly bits, etc.

I think that her main concern is that I'm rushing into this. That I'm going to use fertility drugs without trying on our own for a longer time. I understand her concern...I have the same ones. Basically our plan right now is to do what my doctor tells me to do and then when I go for my annual exam in June I will move on to an RE if nothing good has happened. That gives us six months of trying on our own. That's enough especially when I already know what my problem is.

I'm 26, mom! I'm not a baby anymore! Get a grip, please...I'm going to need your support :)

New Gadget

My CBEFM came in the mail! Fun times.

I am so anxious about my doctor appointment which is next Monday, 1/14. I'm ready to get this show on the road and I just want to get through that appointment. I am supposed to ovulate next week so I would like to take advantage of that. We'll see what the bloodwork says, though.

So, as this weekend comes to a close my hair is cut and I feel great, C's birthday party left us with tons of great memories and an empty wallet, and baby Ana is doing well. I am more exhausted than when the weekend began!

Merry Christmas and a Freak Out

The holiday was great, but it was also a struggle. I look forward to Christmas SO MUCH! But, alas, I ALWAYS get soooo stressed out. We had to travel so much. Just day trips, mind you, but those are sometimes the worst! Drive there, drive back. Yuck. I honestly DID have a good time with my family and nothing beats that cozy feel of Christmas. We had the boys all weekend and let's just face it they add a whole new dimension of stress to the story...you know what I mean. They are rambunctious, they fight, they don't appreciate ANYTHING. The OP and I go them a good amount of gifts...as much as we could afford. To compare the amount to what I got as a child it was less so one would think that I would be ok with it. I wasn't. When they were done opening gifts at our house and every other house that we visited...I felt like we had done them a disservice. I felt like calling them spoiled little brats because that's what they were acting like. Daddy and step-mommy were in bad moods most of the time because of them. The holidays brought the worst out in the children. That's a big fat yuck. First it saddens me that I felt this way about them. Of course, I tried to hide it. But they just bug the crap out of me. They were so obnoxious and unappreciative. Is this a normal feeling. I'm a horrible person, I think. Secondly, I'm mad that it tainted my holiday bliss that I like to enjoy. By the time that last night rolled around...The OP was DONE. He was in SUCH a bad mood. We were at my parent's house and I just knew that I had to get him home so that he could be alone (as alone as you can be in a 1700 sf house with two adults, two ROWDY kids, and a dog). So home we went and he got to watch his Westerns for a few hours which is all he wanted to be able to do all day. Poor boy was socially exhausted. The last straw was when D ate his dinner too fast and then proceeded to throw up all over my mother's half bath. The OP had to clean it up. He was pissed. heehee. We went home. We banished the boys to their room to play with all of their new toys, The OP stayed downstairs and watched his beloved westerns, and I...well, I went to bed at 10:00.

So, here's my other beef with the holidays. My baby wanting was much much more acute. I want to know why it is that I stress and mourn for something that I haven't even really struggled for yet? I don't feel as if I DESERVE to have these feelings, but yet I do. I have wanted a child for so long. My entire life I've known that I wanted to be a wife and a mommy above all else. So, when The OP and I became engaged that baby "step" became much more real to me. Then when we were married...I was already ready. That was eight months ago. Then came the P.C.O.S. and I just fear the unknown. I just hate not knowing. But, isn't that what everyone says about so many things in life. I know that I just have to trust God, pray for his guidance, and pray that he gives me wisdom. Over the last few days I don't know how many times the thought went through my head..."maybe by this time next year we will have a baby here with us!". Maybe, just maybe.

We went to Ohio to visit family. My cousin, Lala is pregnant. She and I are VERY close. We are nothing alike, but we share a bond that can only be found by two people who have known one another for their entire lives. Her baby is due March 18th and this was the first time that I had seen her with a true baby belly. I wanted to cry. I wanted to weep with happiness for her. I wanted to weep with WANT for myself. I couldn't stop looking at it. Ohh I just cannot wait to hold her child. The Wanting has never hit me as hard as it did when I was visiting with her.

The Wanting...

p.s. I think that I might have ovulated yesterday. I have had a clear thermal shift. Of course, then again you never know. It could just be my polycystic ovaries firing up to go and then going SPLAT!!!

Can't quit thinking about IT today

Today I have exchanged a few emails with a good friend of mine that I haven't previously told about my baby fever or my P.C.O.S. In her first email she asked me how I was doing. For some reason I answered her and spilled my guts. Talk about a long email. To explain PCOS to someone that has never heard of it is really an insurmountable task. I feel like I could write a book about it and I've only been diagnosed for five weeks. She's probably been completely overwhelmed reading my emails. I should have just called her. Some things are just easier to get off of your chest when you can type it out. (hence this is why I have a blog).

So how AM I doing with my syndrome? I'm fine. The side effects are getting to be fewer and fewer. They are really random and unpredictable, but they're nothing that I can't handle. I honestly do not feel any different and this worries me. My theory is that if the Met is working and my insulin is more regulated shouldn't I have more energy??!? I guess that I should preface that by saying that I've never in my life felt like I didn't have enough energy. I've felt fine really...I've never felt overly tired, I've never noticed any change. So really I don't know. It's just another conundrum of PCOS. The longer this goes on the more questions I have and the more I want to go and see and RE sooner rather than later. This syndrome is just SO complicated. I'm really trying to do more and more research on the internet. There are so many infertility blogs made by women just like me, but I can't seem to find someone that it just like me...I guess that's what I'm looking for. Someone that has my same symptoms, problems, side effects, etc. It's very hard to wade through all of it.

Can I also say that there are babies everywhere in my life. I'm definitely not bitter by any means about all of this yet. For goodness sake it has only been a few months. But, I am inpatient. God is teaching me a lesson. Anyway, babies are everywhere. Births, showers, bellies, babies babies babies. I can see where this gets to be very disheartening for many women in the long run. I've just got to keep a positive attitude because once my attitude turns that corner to sour...it's very hard for me to get it back.

My cousin who is three years younger than me is going to be a first time daddy with his new wife. They got married last January and she was pregnant by July. She was married before and has a 7 year old daughter, apparantly she got divorced the first time because she cheated. Well, she has now cheated on my cousin. I've known this little tidbit of information since September. I CANNOT EXPLAIN how hard this has been for me to not tell other people in my family. My cousin's brother is the one that told me. I know, my husband knows and my aunt and uncle know. That's it. So, this woman cheated on my cousin when she ALREADY KNEW THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT!!! Can you even believe it? My cousin doesn't know that I know. Ever since then I have just felt sooo bad for him. He doesn't deserve this. His brother told me that he has forgiven her and that they are working through it, but I think that things are not going well. I cannot imagine how hard this is for him. Don't you think that he secretly questions if the child is even his? I would. Let me tell you something, though. He will know the minute that the baby is born if she's not his. That family has the strongest genes imaginable. I'm telling you...we will all know. I think that it's just a matter of time before the rest of the family finds out. I don't know if their marraige will survive it. How am I supposed to keep holding on to this secret? I am soooo angry at her, but yet I have to act like things are a-ok. I love him like a little brother and I just want him to be happy. Yuck.

It's a new day

So, today old aunt flo (AF) is visiting me. Pretty much on schedule. This will be my third cycle off of birth con.trol. The first cycle was 26 days and the second was 30. Not bad. So, why is it that the MAIN SYMPTOM of PCOS is an irregular or missing period? And why is it that I have PCOS, but not this symptom? Why do I have to be an annomaly?

So, what is really killing me is the unknown. Yes, I know that this is what everyone says about ANYTHING that they are worried about, but it's soooo true. I want to know how long it is going to take me to become pregnant. I want to know if I truly ovulate (like I think I do) or is my body just tricking me out. I want to know if we are going to have to use fertility drugs or IUI or IVF! GAH...a girl needs to know these things. Hello! God, are you there? Where's my crystal ball???

I really wish that it was January 17th so that I could go to the doctor and get on with this!

Baby Shower

Today I attended a baby shower for a good friend of mine. Her baby boy was born 5 1/2 weeks early so he's already here and set to go home from the NICU tomorrow. At this point in my life I LOVE baby showers. I had fun hearing about his birth, looking at pictures, playing baby shower games, watching her open gifts and when I left I left with a real sense of longing.

One of my other friends attended the shower and she is nine weeks pregnant. Another girl was there with her four month old precious little girl. LONGING

I wish for a baby so badly that I can feel one in my arms sometimes. I craved to hear about every little detail of baby Cal's birth. I want to hear about the good, the bad and the ugly. When the four month old's mommy started to talk about her bout with colic I was all ears. What book was that that you read I said? Ohh yes, Happiest Baby on The Blo.ck. You taped the vaccum cleaner to replay as she goes to sleep every night? Yes, I've heard of that. Other people in the room were looking at me like I was crazy. You aren't pregnant, you don't have children of your own. Why do you know all of this stuff?? and what was I to say? Because I'm obsessed with the idea of becoming a mommy? No, I gave my standard answer...I've just been around a lot of babies and my husband and I are THINKING about having a baby in the future. It's all true, but I have also done more research on conceiving a child, carrying a child, birthing a child and raising a child than I would care to admit. I do partly blame this fact on my job. Let's face it, my job is borrrrrring. It provides me with plenty of time to surf the net and feed my obsession. It's not healthy, I know. But, there is something to be said for being prepared for a huge change in your life. There's a fine line, though and I may have crossed it.

So, am I jinxing myself? I have backed off quite a bit since my diagnosis. I've handled this mandatory "break" pretty well if I do say so myself.

Here's a vent though. My very good friend that is nine weeks pregnant is just SO non-chalant about the whole thing. She just has this attitude about it. She's nine weeks pregnant and has not done any research, no preparation. It drives me crazy! It's like she's not interested yet. The only thing that I heard her say about the pregnancy was that she already felt fat and it was really depressing her. UGH!!!! I wanted to smack her. Where's the joy? Where's the desire to no more? Is she abnormal...or it could quite possibly be me...abnormal. Hey well, my health is abnormal so why shouldn't the rest of me be abnormal as well?

Abnormality - It's the new black.

Fever Update

So, today I stepped up my metf.ormin intake to 1,000 mg. So far I've had very minimal side effects. As we have already established on this blog I am an worry wart. Basically I'm thinking that either I'm not going to feel the side effects until I get up to 1,500 mg or it's not working at all.

I have done a horrible job about working on my diet and I haven't been to the gym in A WEEK! I just can't help it...this Thanksgiving thing is really overwhelming me and I just can't do it all. I know that I have to, though. So, next week I will. I promise.

Does anyone else in this world feel like the internet is a double edged sword? Through the internet it's like the world is at your finger tips. Shopping, researching, chatting, anything you want it's there. For me, it has become too much. I read blogs, I read message boards, I read medical papers....and all of these things are scaring the shite out of me! I just can't help it though...I just keep reading. What I'm reading is not good. Why oh why do I torture myself?!?!?

Also, here in the land of Thanksgiving...I'm tired of cooking. Why is my family like this? Here's the list.

1. Sunday - Thanksgiving w/ Dad's family; pumpkin pecan pie, asparagus casserole, spinach artichoke dip
2. Wednesday - Thanksgiving at work; brownies, no bake cookies (enough to feed 80 people)
3. Thursday - Thanksgiving w/ Mom's family; corn casserole
4. Saturday - Thanksgiving w/ the in-laws; Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, cooked carrots...also add in clean the entire house to this list.

Also, here in the land of Christmas shopping...little boys have boring clothing. That's why I need a little girl (PLEASE GOD!!!). Boys wear jeans, track pants, t-shirts, sweatshirts, and polo shirts. My boys won't wear sweaters, vests, zip up hoodies...blah blah blah. Their mother has ensured that they don't have good taste.

I'm cooking up a post about being a wife to a person with an ex-wife, being a step mom, etc. We'll see.

Let's talk about me some more

I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't want to do anything. I think about having a baby 24/7. I don't know how to stop it. I pray, I stay busy...nothing helps. I'm being consumed and I have got to find a way to quit it. I mean I can't even TRY to have a baby right now. I HAVE to just live my life and quit wishing the hours away. That's no way to live and it's definitely not the right way to live. Blech.

I'm at work, I think about it. I'm at home, I think about it. When I'm talking to someone, I want to bring up something baby-related. I'm constantly on the computer about it. Yuck yuck yuck. How do I get out of this funk? It's putting me in a bad mood! I want to scream. I want it to happen for us now now NOW! God help me because I have got a longggg journey in front of me. I just want to scream scream scream.

Cysts and Syndromes

Monday night The OP had a cyst removed from his cheek. The cyst had been there for about seven years and about five years ago he had it removed, but then it grew back. Our good friend, Dr. LV performed the procedure and she let me watch! It was soooo cool. Of course, The OP didn't really appreciate my exclamations of "Ohhh neat....Interesting...Wow! I never realized!". Hey! At least somebody got to have a good time.

I definitely have P.COS. Ms. NP did a wonderful job of explaining everything to me. I just wish that she could have explained it to my mother because I think that she is freaking out. How do I feel about the diagnosis? Worried. BUT I am trying very hard to not stress out. I was started on met.formin and I will go back in January for more blood work to see if things have evened out. If they have we can try for a baby again. I'm just not a patient person...God is teaching me a lesson. I'll get through. I'm trying to not make too big of a deal out of it. The OP doesn't deal well with "big deals".

A diagnosis of P.COS is a life changing event. I get that. I just hope that I have the fortitude to do what needs to be done. More diet, more exercise, daily medication, blah blah blah. The story of my life.

On a side note I think that my mother has this same syndrome and that that is why she could never have any more children. I was a fluke.

I'm not surprised

So, Ms. C (the NP) called yesterday and told me that she basically thinks that I have PCO.S. Which, after doing some research, is actually worse than having a thyroid problem. I'm not surprised. I figured that this wouldn't be easy for me/us. All I know is that I have to get it under control. We're talking life long consequences here. Add in family history and already being overweight. Well, that's just a recipe for disaster. I want to figure out how to control this, and I also desperately want to have a child of my own. I truly believe that God has a child in our future...I just don't know when.

So today we begin the journey that is soooo easy for some and yet impossible for others. Let's just hope that it's not impossible for us. I'm going to have another consulation with Ms. C today and see what she says.

"The day is just dawning and I am just rising. I pray that my HOPE won't fail."

I don't know who wrote this, but I love it...always have.

A few things of note...

• One of my very best friends has just found out that she is going to be a mommy! I'm thrilled for her and her husband. They will be WONDERFUL parents. Shoot! I'm excited for myself...it's another baby to hold :)
• Can I just say that outlet mall shopping should be a sport. Saturday, my friends and I would have won the gold.
• The aforementioned nurse practicioner has STILL not called me back about my bloodwork. I'm getting irritated. If there is something wrong with me I NEED TO KNOW! She has definitely already lost her "god-like" status.
• The OP is getting on my nerves.
• Step Son #1 apparently thought that it would be a good idea to cut his own hair last week. He's SEVEN YEARS OLD...I mean come on, shouldn't he be beyond that sort of thing by now? His mom made him go to school with his butchered hair and he got made fun of. Serves him right. Then The OP made fun of him...yea, he'll definitely never do that again.
• Hunting, Hunting and more Hunting. That's all we hear about around here. I'll be so glad when it's over. You would think that I would be used to it by now.

The Consultation

Yesterday I went for my consulation with the new nurse practicioner at my OBgyn's office. I LOVED HER! I was so heartbroken when I learned that the OB that I had wanted to switch to had decided to be a stay at home mom. Then, yesterday, I met my savior :) Let's get one thing straight...I like Dr. C (my current doctor), she's probably one of the best Obgyn's in the area, but she has the bedside manor of a ton of bricks. I need someone to talk to, someone that I can feel comfortable asking questions, support...I need support. Dr. C...not so good at support. I need Dr. C on my side, just not on an all the time basis. So, I was talking to Ms. NP and she said the words that I had most been wanting to hear..."I'm also a midwife, so I can do everything for you when the time comes!" HALLELUIA! I just love the idea of a midwife and I just didn't think that this was an option with my doctor.

So, back to why I was originally there. I just wanted a blood test done on my thyroid to rule out thyroid problems. Well, she not only granted me that wish, but they are also testing my blood for everything. Cholesterol, thyroid, LH hormones, etc. I'm ECSTATIC! She fudged the papers to make it look less "fertiliy-ish" and more "health problem-ish" so that insurance will cover it. SWEEEET!!! We'll see what the results say tomorrow when I call.

During my conversation with Ms. NP she asked if my husband and I were completely ready to have a baby and I, of course, said yes. She said that we will pursue this and that I shouldn't worry. She said that there are many things that I can take to increase my chances and then she said the word Clom.id. She said this like she was ready to give it to me right now! I couldn't believe it...I am not kidding you, I was not there to lament the fact that I didn't get pregnant on the first month trying. I said nothing about it. But she did. And I love her for it.

It's a Bust

So cycle one is over...a few days earlier than I had expected I might add. Not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.

I'm sad, but like I said previously I'm trying not to get too wrapped up. It's just hard though.

On to the next!

Tomorrow I'm going for a consult because I want to have my thyro.id checked. I have very low waking basal body temperatures and that is a symptom of hypothy.roidism. Uncontrolled hypothy.roidism can cause a lot of problems with conception and with staying pregnant. I don't want problems. This needs to be investigated. So that's what I'm going to do.

In other news...Gi.ada Delau.rentiis is pregnant. First of all, she makes me (and every other woman that I know) SICK. She is a chef specializing in Italian food. She probably weighs 100 lbs and she has the best body.ever. How do you cook authentic italian food and eat italian food and look like that? I need some of her genes. Also, I'm sure that she will be THE CUTEST pregnant lady ever. I think that she looks like the nicest, sweetest person in the world. I wish her the best but...blech!

In yet other news...my sisters in law are out of control. I called them to discuss Thanksgiving and told them to just let me know what they wanted to bring. I told them that we are definitely making the turkey, gravy, and mashed potatos and that we will make whatever else other people prefer not to make. So, I figured that they would email me back and say that they wanted to bring one to two items. One says she is bringing four dishes and the other says she is bringing three! ummmm ok. My mom says that I'm overreacting and that I should be grateful that they want to bring so many things. Fine. I'm grateful.