The day that God's Grace truly shined upon me.

The Birth Story...

On September 16th I went in for my first visit of the week and had an ultrasound. Sweetey Petey was moving around nicely, he was practicing his breathing, and my fluid levels were still great. I distinctly remember asking the tech if the tech can ever tell if the baby has begun to descend into the birth canal. She told me that yes there are times that she cannot see part of the babies head due to it being in the birth canal. My baby, she said had not started to descend. So, I left that day with all of the rest of my visits scheduled and my eye on the prize. September 29th/30th we would meet our little guy. On the 19th I came in to have an NST. It was an absolutely beautiful late summer day. I was feeling good. I was pretty much dreading the NST just because of fear that the little guy wouldn't be behaving. My mother was with me and we had a nice chat in the waiting room. It was a glorious day. We had plans for the weekend and I had last minute baby things that I wanted to get done. The NST went well. I poked and prodded and jiggled my belly enough so that Petey was moving all around and his heart rate seemed great. The mid-wife Ms. C came into check the strip because Dr. C had just been called to an emergency c-section. The strip was great so she took me off the monitor. She asked me how I was feeling. My blood pressure had been super that day and my urine had been clean...Yay! She looked at my chart and noticed that I was 37 weeks exactly that day and announced that their policy is to start checking for progress at 37 weeks. I kind of humphed to myself...I believed that this was needless because there was no way that I had dilated whatsoever. So I stripped down for the torture. It hurt like the dickens. I had no idea that one woman could shove her entire hand SO FAR up into my lady parts! Seriously. It also seemed like she was really taking her time up there. She kept apologizing for taking so long. I just kept gritting my teeth and holding my breath. She pulled her hand out and it was covered in blood which really surprised me. I have no idea if that was normal or not. She said, "When did you say your induction was scheduled for?" I said the 29th. She said, "Well, you are definitely not going to make it until then. You are at 4 cm and your bag of waters is bulging. We are going to send you over to the hospital to have this baby. You are in luck because Dr. C and I are both on call today and this entire weekend so we will be there for you." I wish that I could have seen the look on my own face. Shock is not even the word. I almost didn't follow what she was saying. Having this baby today?!?!?! Seriously?!?!? Already at 4 cm?!??! Water bulging?!?! You had to be kidding me. No one has it this easy for the first baby. I had had a semi-difficult pregnancy...I never dreamed that I would hit the labor and delivery lotto. Ms. C said it all so calmly to me. Like it was just a walk in the park. My mother's face was priceless as well. I stuttered around not even able to form a sentence. My mind was racing, my heart was racing. I remember saying something like, "You're serious? I'm having this baby right now...today?" She informed me that she would call next door to the hospital and let them know that I was coming. They would get me settled and hooked up to the monitors and then she or Dr. C would be in to check me again and break my water. Then the labor would progress from there. Ummm ok?! I was truly speechless. She reassured me a little more and I brought up the fact that Dr. C had said that if this baby was estimated to weigh more than 8 1/2 lbs. that I would have a c-section no questions asked. She asked me if I would feel better if I had an ultra sound right then to check things out. I said yes so she told me to get dressed and go directly down to the ultra sound room. My mom and I just stared at each other. She was glowing. It was a magical moment. Umm, mom, The OP is an hour away working and dad is three hours away at our family farm which has little to no cell service. So she went out of the room while I got dressed and started to make phone calls.

During the ultra sound the baby was moving well, practicing his breathing, and had a good heart rate. The tech (who I knew very well by now!) was so excited for me. She said that she couldn't believe how lucky I was to have this happen with my very first baby. She was beaming for me. It was so nice of her. She measured everything twice and estimated the baby at just below 7 lbs. I was good to go. I was relieved. I had made peace with whatever delivery good might hand me. I wasn't afraid of surgery, but I also wasn't afraid of labor. I almost wished for labor. It's just a woman thing I guess. Like I wanted to say that I had lived through it. Been in the trenches.

I remember shaking uncontrollably from the anticipation of it all. I wasn't scared. I felt peace. I had prayed so much and God was answering my prayers. Throughout my pregnancy I had repeated two things to myself multiple times a day.
1) To remember that I have nothing to fear in this life because God is with me always.
2) God tells us to have courage without fear.
God was there with me in that room. Spurring me toward the delivery room. Holding my hand...wrapping his arms around my child. Keeping us safe. Giving me the courage to do this. To quit worrying about the potential what-ifs, the potential problems. I felt peace and that peace would see me through the delivery of my son.

So I took a deep breath. Then I had the courage to get up. I had the courage to make the phone calls that I needed to make. I had courage as I was admitted to the hospital. I had courage as I labored. And God's Grace shined upon me as I delivered my son.

Details will be in the next post.

Umm...Is this thing on?

I have absolutely no idea why I quit updating this blog. I could kick myself for it, I really could. I began this blog so that I could vent my frustrations and also so that I could remember all of the little details of my life that I will otherwise forget in about, ohhh 5 minutes. So, now I have given birth almost 5 months ago and I have written none of it down. Gah! I'm going to do my best to remember. I owe it to my son...yes, my son. That's where my last post left off. I was getting ready for the big reveal. The big Ta Da moment. The OP at the scene of the big reveal.

The Op and I went to the doctor at the end of May. I was so keyed up that all I was thinking about was if there was a healthy baby in there! I barely had time to worry about the gender. In my heart I always knew that there would be a little boy growing in there. I just know that my husband doesn't make girls so I was definitely not surprised when the tech announced the presence of boy parts and then proceeded to give us only five pictures from the ultrasound total...three were of his peepee. Seriously?!? Seriously. I was VERY miffed about that. Little did I know that I would be seeing that same tech again and again and again.

So, we were expecting a boy. The OP was much more excited than I was at first which is surprising considering this is his fourth boy. For me, I had to get used to the idea. It all seemed so surreal to me. One moment I was just expecting a baby and the next moment I was expecting a SON! His name was already picked out...He would have my father's first name and The OP's middle name. We went to the gray tomb (the office) to tell my parents. My father's face was PRICELESS. With one announcement I had made him the happiest guy in the world. He was going to have a grandson. All was right with the world in his eyes. We told everyone else after that and needless to say, no one was surprised. I don't want sweety petey (that's my little pet name for him now) to ever think that people weren't excited for his arrival. It's just that given his father's track record...no one REALLY believed that we would have a girl.

So May ran into June and I started to research what would go in his room, what I would register for, etc. BTW I THOROUGHLY enjoyed registering. I mean I absolutely loooooved it. Just so you know. In June we took a family vacay to FL. Me,The OP, C,D. That is an entire post unto itself. WOW, was that trip a dooozey. In July we cleaned out Petey's room, painted the walls, had the carpets cleaned, and started accumulating baby needs. It was truly a magical time in my life. I would just walk in his room and stare at the crib with my hand resting on my belly. I would just stand there and dream as I soaked it all in. I mean never in my life would I be in that position again. Pregnant with my first child, happily married, feeling good (for the most part), a quiet house around me...I reveled in this time.

During June and July I felt great, really. I was dealing with the gestational diabetes. I still had appointments with the endocrinologist every three weeks, appointments at the doctor ever four weeks. I followed the diet strictly. My blood sugar levels were great. My blood pressure was good, my urine was always clean, great heartbeat each time on the baby. I like to think of these two months as the sweet spot of my pregnancy. Boy were they sweet. My belly was growing, but I was still losing weight. I think that at the peak of my weight loss I had lost around 28 lbs. I did get tired easily and if I had to be up walking around for a long while I would start to feel badly. My stomach would ache and feel tight. It was almost painful. This happened almost daily. At the time I just thought it was normal growing pains. Now as I look back on it I think that I was having braxton hicks all along and didn't really realize it.

Worried Excitement

So, our BIG ULTRASOUND is in five days and last night I lost my shit just thinking about it. I told my mom that there are very few things in life that could insight so much worry and yet so much excitement at the same time. I just don't really know how to deal with it. I cried and cried and cried last night to The OP. He was completely baffled (typical) because he couldn't figure out what was wrong. I am just so wound up with worry over this pregnancy. Every little twinge, ache, discharge (sorry gross I know), pain, etc sends me into the oblivion of freaking out. This ultrasound is no different. We haven't seen the baby since week 11. I haven't heard the heartbeat since week 15. Having a baby with health problems can happen to ANYONE. That's what The OP didn't understand with my worry. He kept saying "why do you think that something is wrong with the baby, like what?" I just told him that I don't THINK anything is wrong with the baby, but it can happen to anyone. There is a little girl, probably about three years old that we often see at a local restaurant that we frequent. She has no legs...her siblings are all 100% healthy, but she has no legs. You know that she was born that way. You know that her parents did nothing wrong to cause this problem...it just happened. That was my point to The OP. I want to be sooo excited about this ultrasound, about this moment in our lives...and I'm going to be. I'm determined to be. BUT, that doesn't negate the fact that it is possible that something is wrong. We have many people praying though, that nothing is wrong. That everything is fine. God has blessed us with this child. We are blessed beyond measure. Please, God bless us with it's health.

Stay tuned for my post about gender craziness...

Sick...The Beginning

I've been hit with a vengeance by this all day off and on sickness. It has not let up since Monday. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do about eating because I don't want to eat anything. What I do eat is usually bland, but that doesn't really work with my sugar monitoring. I'm preparing myself to feel this way for the next month at least. I'm also really trying not to complain.

It is a very weird feeling to feel so blessed to be carrying a baby and yet feel so bad because of said baby. It's...interesting, for sure.


Esophagus Forming
•••••
SIZE: 5.0 - 7.0 mmTIME PERIOD: 31- 35 days post-ovulationn
Head and NeckThe brain and head grow rapidly. The mandibular and hyoid arches are noticeable. Ridges demarcate the three sections of the brain (midbrain, forebrain and hindbrain). The spinal cord wall at this stage contains three zones: the ventricular, the mantle and the marginal. The ventricular zone will form neurons, glial cells and ependymal cells, the intermediate mantle will form neuron clusters and the marginal zone will contain processes of neurons. Adenohypophyseal pouch, which will develop into the anterior pituitary, is defined.Lens vesicle opens to the surface and is nestled within the otptic cup. Otic vesicle increases its size by approximately one-fourth and its endolymphatic appendage is more defined. Nasal plate can be detected by thickened ectoderm.ThoraxEsophagus, the tube through which food is swallowed, forms from a groove of tissue that separates from the trachea, which is also visible.Semilunar valves begin to form in the heart. Four major subdivisions of the heart (the trabeculated left and right ventricles, the conus cords and the truncus arteriosus) are clearly defined. Two sprouts, a ventral one from the aortic sac and a dorsal one from the aorta, form the pulmonary (sixth aortic) arch.Right and left lung sacs lie on either side of the esophagus.Abdomen and Pelvic RegionsUreteric bud appear. Metanephros, which will eventually form the permanent kidney, is developing.LimbsUpper limbs elongate into cylindrically-shaped buds, tapering at tip to eventually form hand plate. Nerve distribution process, innervation, begins in the upper limbs.

Big God, Little Life

I'm getting my a** kicked today by the peanut. I'm six feet tall and this Little Life is only milimeters big and it's winning today. These are my first real bouts of nausea. YUCK.

Yesterday I went shopping with my mom for a baby shower gift and I convinced her that she should go to Babies R Us to get the gift. We wanted to wander around a little bit and see what was available. Fun Times. Honestly, it is so hard to not start buying everything in sight for the little pip squeak. I'm just so excited (and so was she...I could tell) and I am inpatient by nature. Bad combination. I am going to wait, of course, but it's going to be hard! I want to register, I want baby things lying around the house, I want to do laundry with baby clothes in it. The level of anxiousness (is that a word?) that I feel is HUGE and I'm not sure that I will be able to deal with the next 33 1/2 weeks. Scratch that...I'm not going to have a choice so I better just buckle up and keep busy.

I can feel that I am already VERY emotionally invested in this tiny life. I'm just praying and praying and praying that everything continues to go well. I want to walk that fine line between not worrying at all and taking everything for granted and worrying too much. I know that I MUST enjoy this pregnancy. What if this is my only opportunity to be pregnant? I should enjoy this miracle that is developing inside of me. Savor every.single.moment. On the same token, though, I can't just walk around in la la land and think that everything is going to be just rosy with no pain in sight at all. No, I need to be realistic but not be a worry wart. The OP loves to call me that - a worry wart. meh.

I had not shed tears over this pregnancy until I was at church this past weekend. It took all of my self control to not just completely lose it. I shed a few tears and The OP knew that I was crying, but I was (thankfully) able to remain composed. There's nothing like worship time at church to remind you of how BIG God truly is. His BIGNESS was never more evident to me than at that moment. As I stood there worshipping He who gave me life, while growing a life inside of me. WOW, it is all possible because of Him. I never want to lose this sense of awe and wonder about pregnancy/impending motherhood. I don't care if I have one child or ten children...what a miracle each and every one of them will be.

six weeks, five days

Ultrasound #1

February 14, 2008 turned out to be one of the most memorable days of my life. At our doctor's appointment we had an ultrasound and the baby is in the right place, it's measuring the right size, and we heard the heartbeat! It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard. I will never forget it! I had told myself to not get too excited about the heartbeat since it was so early...so I just wasn't expecting it. The tech flipped a switch and we heard the most beautiful music of our child's beating heart. What a moment! What a miracle!!!

My weight was good, my blood pressure was perfect (thank you medicine)...it really was an all around great day. After the ultra sound they took us into the business office and laid all of that out for us. Financial-wise it doesn't really sound all that bad. We are going to go ahead and start making some monthly payments so that by the time the baby comes we are done paying or almost done paying. I was surprised to be taken to the business office...just wasn't expecting it.

We have told almost everyone. I'm seeing a few of my close friends tomorrow for lunch and I'm going to tell them then. Then I'll call or email everyone else. I had thought that I would be nervous or reserved about telling people about the baby, but I haven't been. It's been easy for me and I've really enjoyed it. I say "I" because The OP has not been able to keep the secret at all and has already told ALL of his family and friends. Typical OP. It was a little weird for everyone at work to know. We work at a construction company with a bunch of men and I've had rough, scruffy, dirty men congratulating me all day long! It has been endearing, really...I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Here's what's going on with the baby right now. I am 6 weeks 2 days according to LMP; 30 DPO.

The first thin surface layer of skin appears covering the embryo.
•••••
SIZE: 4.0 - 6.0 mmTIME PERIOD: 26- 30 days post-ovulationn
The arches that form the face and neck are now becoming evident under the enlarging forebrain. By the time the neural tube is closed, both the eye and ear will have begun to form. At this stage, the brain and spinal cord together are the largest and most compact tissue of the embryo.A blood system continues to develop. Blood cells follow the surface of yolk sac where they originate, move along the central nervous system, and move in the chorionic villi, the maternal blood system.Valves and septa may appear in the heart in Stage 12.The digestive epithelium layer begins to differentiate into the future locations of the liver, lung, stomach and pancreas.

Life Group

The OP and I have been seeking a way to broaden our circle of friends for a long time now. We both have friends, but it's just that we don't really have many "couple" friends. It seems that The OP doesn't like the chosen mates of my friends and I really don't like any of his friends. So, we needed to work on this. We LOVE to spend time together just the two of us, but still it's important to share our lives with others and we know that.



We belong to a wonderful Church in our area and we decided that the most wonderful thing we could do to become "connected" at said church would be to join a small group. So, last night we went to our small group "launch". The OP and I came away from it feeling v unsure. Let me explain.



I am 26 and he is 30. We have two children, but they do not live with us all the time, they live 45 minutes away. I do not have children...I am a step mother. The other couples at the launch were a) older than us; b) all the couples except one had been married for 10+ years; c) all of the couples had children 8 and older except one. One couple actually had EIGHT children, the oldest of which was 16. Our main objective for being in a life group is to make friends. Hopefully friends that will be lifelong friends. We are completely open to being in a group with people that are different than us. People who have children. People that make more/less money than us...whatever. But, we do want some sort of commonality. As I was sitting around the table last night I (we) just weren't seeing it. These women have experienced SO much more than I have. When we tell the people in our life group about the baby I want to feel like they sympathize and that they can relate. I don't need another mother talking to me about her experience (x 8). Being in a group and getting to know these people doesn't excite me and I think that it should...if this were the right fit for us.

As of right now I'm pretty sure that we are going to start from square one again. I hope that we are not making a mistake.

Tomorrow I have another appointment. There will be an ultrasound. I'm praying a lot.
6 weeks today.

Work and couches

Our new couch is coming tomorrow, our new couch is coming tomorrow! I want to shout it from the rooftops. Can you tell that I'm excited?!?!

I'm having one of those days where I hate my job. It's such a complicated mess as to why I hate it. I'll try to explain. I work for a family company. The Big Cat and his brother started the biz in 1980 and it has grown and grown and grown. Now, my mom works here and my other aunt and uncle work here. We're just one big happy family.

Originally when I went to college I had dreams of being in the medical field. After one semester...I changed my mind. I decided that this company was the thing that I knew about the most and that as my father's only child it was my duty to stick around and be here even when he's gone. So, that's what I've done. When I first graduated college I got my real estate license and we started building houses. I was in heaven! I'm telling you...absolute heaven. I loved it. I was busy, I was happy, I was fulfilled, I didn't have to sit in the gray tomb. Then all of that changed as the market began it's slow down and now here I am today. I sit day in and day out in the gray tomb doing work that I would rather not be doing. I know, I know...I shouldn't complain. But, I am...right now.

You see, if this is going to be my sentence at this company then I want to be in charge...of the office. I want to have power. I want to know how to do every job. I don't necessarily mean that I have to achieve all of this right now, but I would like for this to happen in the next 5 to 8 years. I have been working at this company since I was 13 years old. No one loves this place more than I. I know that I'm capable and I pretty much think that I deserve it. Alas, two things stand in my way. My mother (who doesn't worry me much) and my aunt. Now my aunt is actually only 10 years older than me so we are more on the lines of the same age. Currently she is the accounting manager due to the fact that she got here before me. I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere here because of her. She's great at her job and I would never want her to leave, BUT...I have no idea what to do. This didn't bother me so much when I was house building. Now, though, is a different story. I really don't see any great solution. I refuse to allow her to be my boss. Absolutely not. I answer to one person at this company...The Big Cat and that's how it's going to stay. When he's gone, I will answer to no one. Sorry...I'm a brat, but that's how it is.

Just for positivity sake here are the pluses to my job. Great hours, no overtime, flexibility, small office environment which I like, I know the boss better than the boss knows the boss.

Also, we are currently in the process of accepting applications for an office position. I really really want to hire someone that is young. I do not think that this position requires experience. I'm sorry but I don't. Some education, yes, but not necessarily experience. Almost every resume that my aunt put on the top of the list was someone that was her age or older and someone that had gobs of experience. I just don't agree. I'm looking for a friend here people...hire someone young so that I at least have a chance. Geez.

Today has just not been a good day. At one point I wanted to scream like a young child. And that, my friends, is never a good thing.

The Surreal Life

So, I feel as if I shouldn't even talk about this (or type) for fear of jinxing myself. But, I want to get these feelings out. I also remember that when my cousin and several of my friends found out that they were pregnant they told EVERYONE on the very day that they got their first positive test. Their pregnancies are fine. Just fine. So, that what I'm hoping for...fine, just fine.

I have to call my doctor this morning. I'm afraid of what she will say or think. I'm going to tell her first thing that I DID NOT disregard her advice. When she told us to not try...we didn't try. BUT, The OP has super sper.m and those suckers lived for quite a while until my little eggie burst forth. Seriously, they did. I just don't want her to think that I'm one of THOSE patients. It's just the God, apparently, had other plans. We are praying that those plans include 40 weeks of gestation, with a live and healthy baby at the end.

I told The OP last night...to say that he was thrilled is an understatement. The OP is one of those men that could have 10 children and still want an 11th. He LOVES being a father and the prospect of having more children is very exciting for him. On our very first date he told me how much he wanted to be a father again...he did mention specifically that he would like a daughter (three sons will do that to you), but right now we aren't being picky. This all really is an amazing feeling. We are keeping this secret to ourselves for the time being. Probably until I'm 12 weeks I would say. We will see how the doctor appointments go. I would imagine that I'm a little high risk due to the P.C.OS but we shall see.

I do not feel pregnant. I have no symptoms except for a positive test (3 to be exact...so far) and an elevated BBT. But still, I have so much hope and excitement that in October we will bring home a baby!

*********It feels sooooooo surreal to have just typed all of that. Stuff that only dreams are made of. Just to know that my husband ( whom I love so so much) and I have made the beginnings of a life together...awesome. God...You are awesome!****************

4 weeks 1 day

Bless us, God...please Bless Us.

I have hope, I have joy, I have fear, I have anxiety, but above all else I have HOPE.

I have a positive pregnancy test. I am 13dpo.

I'm going to keep testing. I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow. I'm in shock. I'm scared. I refuse, though, to begin my very first pregnancy ever with a lack of hope and joy. I am allowing myself to be filled with joy until someone tells me that something is wrong....IF anything is wrong.

I'm allowed this joy and this hope...even if it is really really early. Please God, Please. I'm trusting in You for YOU have allowed this to happen. Bless us, God...please Bless Us.

Mother Bear

My insatiable need to take care of people. I have no idea where it came from, I have no idea why I feel this way...period. I am an only child. So, therefore when I was growing up I didn't have to take care of anyone but myself. I did have a lot of cousins, though. Several of them were significantly younger than me...maybe that's it. It's a puzzle.

Most only children are glad to be only children. I, on the other hand, feel really cheated out of the sibling relationship. Really...I do. I'm bound and determined to have at least two children because of it. But, I digress. I am 26 years old and if there is a lost soul out there I will find it and I will take care of it. Generally, I only do this for people that I already know and love due to the fact that I'm very untrusting of people I don't know. For example....Just between now and June I am planning or co-planning 4 baby showers and 1 bridal shower. Rediculous, I know. Why do I do this to myself? I always get myself into these things and then I think, "would these people do this for me?" In most cases that answer is no.

With The OP I truly believe that part of my initial attraction to him was because he was like a wounded puppy trying with all of his might to be healthy again and rise above his past. I helped him do that. I encouraged him, I supported him, I loved him when he most needed to be sincerely loved. Now, I'm being rewarded for all of the trials and tribulations of that beginning. I wouldn't trade our beginning for the world.

When friends have problems, I'm the first one they call. Last summer I spent six weeks dealing with my bff and her troubled relationship that she was DISTRAUGHT over while simultaneously counseling another pregnant friend and trying to convince her not to get her second abo.rtion. Those six weeks were soooo tiring and draining for me. I'll never forget it. BUT, I did it. I helped them. I couldn't find it in myself to turn them away and I'm telling those two friends had completely gone off the deep end. With my Bff I was worried about her life...that's how bad it was.

I really could go on and on.

Cousin L

This weekend is the baby shower for cousin L and baby Ana. My entire family is really putting a lot into this and I really hope that everything goes well. We are having the shower at L's sister's house. We're worried about there being enough room. We haven't received hardly any regrets. I believe that people are making a concerted effort to attend due to the situation. It could be mass chaos. People that weren't even invited are coming. L used to live about five hours from where she lives now, well those people were planning on hosting a shower for her up there. Now with the baby already being here they just did a "gift" shower and are bringing all of those gifts to this shower. The love in the room is going to be overflowing. L deserves it...her husband does not. Ana definitely deserves it. Lord how I have prayed for that baby!

Just this morning I received two notices from people saying that they are getting a gift for me to take up to the shower for the baby. These people have maybe met L one-two times. They were not invited. The human spirit is a beautiful thing. I've been blessed to be surrounded by so many loving and supportive people who really come through for you in the tough times. These people that called this morning...they love me, not L. BUT, they see through me the hardtimes that L is experiencing. It is truly a beautiful thing.

So, L's husband is immature, bi-polar, obnoxious, ADD, not ready to be a father, unsupportive, and on and on I could go. Obviously the bi-polar and the ADD are not his fault....but the way that he chooses to deal with those problems IS his fault. L must act like his mother at all times. She is going crazy keeping up with her husband and her baby and the baby is not even at home yet. I worry about her so much. We all do. My mother keeps reminding me that L knew all of this before she tried to become pregnant. I know that too. Sometimes I don't know how I feel about that. They have marriage problems, they live in a big city basically in the ghetto, their home is unfit for a child to live in, they both work full time and barely make ends meet, etc. And yet they tried to have a baby and were successful. L is, by the way, going to be a wonderful mother. She is a natural with children. I know in my heart that everything will turn out fine. Yes, it is not an IDEAL situation, but for L...it doesn't matter. She's not like me. I plan, I clean, everything is in it's place. Not L. At 29 weeks pregnant she had done NOTHING to get ready for a baby. She hadn't even cleaned out the room that would be the nursery, she hadn't bought anything for the baby, she hadn't signed up for a birth class, nothing. Yes...we are not very much alike. Like I said before, though, she has been my best friend since the day that I was born. I can't and won't leave her high and dry. I have personally spent more money on this baby than I would care to think about. When her husband is being a douche...I'm there. When Ana has a setback I'm there. And I always will be.

I need to do an entire post devoted to my insatiable need to take care of people.

Conundrum

You know, when you think about baby making...I mean when you REALLY think about it, it is a conundrum. Look around you. There are a bazillion people in this world and they were all made (essentially) in the same way. You would think that it would be easy for everyone seeing as there are so many people in the world. Obviously it is not easy. When you are faced with a bump in road toward your parenthood goal you begin to realize what a miracle it really is to become pregnant and actually give birth to a live baby. Everything must align in just the right way, the timing must be impeccable, the body must be healthy, the body must be ready to grown and nourish a little life for 40 weeks and then give birth to it.

I just cannot believe that there are so many people in this world. I think that my short experience with a fertility problem has already made me confused about this, and amazed about this. Does anyone else understand what I mean? TTC is not this rare and fragile thing. It's something that happens to people all over the world...probably every few seconds. Didn't I hear a statistic once that said that I baby is born somewhere in the world every 3 seconds?

So, that being said why is it so impossible and/or frustrating for some...while it comes so surprisingly easy for others? I'm sure that this is an often asked question by many women that have been dealing with TTC for much longer than I. What is God's plan in all of this?

When I think about it a little bit more...these thoughts actually give me hope. Like it will happen for me someday too. Hopefully. Trust God, Jen, just trust him.

***********************
Cycle Update: CD10, my chart is looking a little wonky, and my CBEFM is "getting to know me". Next week should be an interesting week.

Too much time on my hands...

Things that I'm thinking about today because it's a slow day at work:\

• I just took an online survey that was sent out through my church. It was all about how do you feel about your walk with God and how do you feel the church is doing with helping you to have a closer relationship with God. I love my church, but I know that I'm not living up to my potential. As a couple The OP and I are not where we should be with our walk. We have struggled to connect with others at our church simply because our church is large. We really, really want to be in a small group, but it just hasn't happened yet. I know that he and I need to be more pro-active about this.
• We are having a thunderstorm in January...how screwed up is that?
• FYI just because I talk about God...doesn't mean that I might not cuss on this blog. Please don't judge. No one is perfect. I enjoy a good cuss word every now and then.
• Christian, Mason or Brady...which boy name do I like best? The OP doesn't like Brady.
• Why, oh why do we play the name game when I'm not even pregnant. Oh yea, it's because I like to set myself up for disapointment, that's why. I'm a sucker
• Do I think that Hillary's tears the other day were staged or for real? I don't really know what I think. She did benefit from the dramz though.
• I love Per.ez Hi.lton. Seriously people...this man is insane, mean, funny, full of sh*t, judgemental, obnoxious, flamboyant (sp?), etc. etc. etc. That site is an addiction. It's very low of me to read it, but it's a guilty pleasure that I'm not giving up.
• My favorite girl name...just entered the top 100 after this past year. I'm a little upset about this. The OP and I have the two most popular names of our era and I just want my children to have something at least a little bit different. Of course, if The OP had his way he would pick names like Beth or Timmy (not that there is anything wrong with those names but they are just not my style).
• I'm helping plan a baby shower with two other girls. I have never in my entire life received so many emails about one shower, and we have JUST been discussing the LOCATION. GAH!!!! Sometimes it's just so much easier to plan things by yourself.
• When I read this today...I laughed out loud and the others in the gray tomb probably thought that I was going nutso. hoohaahooterus...I can't handle the funniness of that.
• I'm almost afraid to write this lest we be jinxing ourselves, but I think that The OP may be getting a COMPANY VEHICLE!!!! Can you hear me freaking out?!?! This is an answered prayer people. I can.not.believe.it. Of course, the only thing that The OP would say was, but I'm going to have to deal with the rules (::wah, wahh, wahhhh). and I said, be quiet and deal with it buddy. This means no truck payment and no insurance payment...you will deal with Stalin if you have to! I'm a mean wife. Shhhhh!
• I have a love affair with ice cream. Actually I haven't been thinking about that until just now. Craving, this is why I'm overweight, people.
• The girl that we are throwing the baby shower actually offered to (get this) have the baby shower at her house so that she doesn't have to transport all of the gifts back and so that she can show off the baby's room. Is this normal? I thought that this was a little unorthodox and rediculous. Yes, dear, but WE have to transport lots of food, games, paper products, and decorations and that's no fun at all. We told her no. I hope she's not in a wad over it.
• My mother's cousin is dying of cancer. Her doctors words were that she has cancer absolutely everywhere except for her arms and legs. This has been a VERY long battle for her and I think that for her this is almost a relief. Weird to think of it that way, isn't it? She has suffered for so many many years, though. I wish her peace. This really puts life in perspective. I'm alive and I shouldn't complain so much about petty things. This is an entire other post idea. Maybe in a few days.
• I have been begging The Big Cat (boss/father) for an office. You see right now I just have a "space" within the gray tomb. It really pisses me off. I hate it. I want four walls. A room, people. That's all I'm asking for. My mother says that the best way to get anything out of The Big Cat is to just keep bugging the crap out of him. (Yes, this is how she got her HUGE plasma screen TV with Bose surround sound installed in a room of the house that they don't even watch TV in...there's just an empty space that needs a TV, she said! Gah!)So, that's what I intend to do. I also need a new office chair. This one is v uncomfortable.
• I'm waiting on pins and needles for my new "neighborhood Wa.l M.art" to open up.
• I'm waiting on pins and needles for my appointment on Monday.
• That's all for now. I clearly have had too much time on my hands today.

Bit the dust

The OPs truck has bit the dust. We knew it was just a matter of time. We've been trying to hold off on a new one for a few years now. The OP has a job that is not very easy on vehicles and that's why we don't really care that his truck was a piece of poo. BUT, now we must face the task of getting something new. I really hate looking for cars, I dislike dealing with the salesman and I just dislike the overall decision. I ALWAYS suffer from buyers remorse. It's a pain. If he could have a company vehicle then everything would be ok. The chances of that happening, though, are slim to nill...unfortunately. So, do we buy a car that gets great gas mileage and let The OPs manhood suffer or do we buy an older truck for less, but with bad gas mileage. For the record, The OP says that he wouldn't mind driving a car. Is it dumb that I mind? I mean I drive an SUV and he would be driving a car. Isn't that an uncool thing to do to your husband?

Wish us luck.

Prayer for 2008

Dear God please hear my prayer. I ask that you give me wisdom and patience as I walk through this life with you by my side. Please help me to not forget to come to You with any problems or joys that I am experiencing. Remind me that I can do all thing through You and with You. Dear God please be with The Op and I. Strengthen our marraige and help us to continue to fall more and more in love with one another as each day passes. Help us to put You first and our marraige second, not the other way around, God. As we continue this journey toward parenthood please grant us patience, for I know that in your time you will bless us...I feel certain of that. I pray that you will be with my body. Please guide me toward health and please help my body to work like only You know how it should work. Lord, please bless us with a child.

God, be with D and C. Keep them near us in our thoughts and help The OP and I to be the very best father and step mommy that we can be. I pray that you would work in their little hearts and help them to be gentler and kinder little boys. Keep them safe and healthy, Lord this is our prayer.

Lord, watch over everyone that we love. Keep us all safe and healthy. If there comes a time of adversity I pray that You will guide us through and that You would remind us to seek Your counsel. Help us to deal with any births and deaths of this next year...for we know that there will be both at some point or another.

Ana needs You, God. She is only two days old and she needs Your hand on her now more than she will ever need You in her entire life. Lord, help her to not be suffering...help her to be growing and getting stronger. Bring her home to her mommy and daddy. Lord, please be with her mommy. Give her strength for You know as well as I that she is going to need it.

God, I pray that you would help The OP and I to make some new friends. Friends of the right kind, forever friends. Lord help us to not be daunted by the task. Please put us in the right places at the right time. Lord, this is a huge desire of ours as a married couple. Please show us the way.

Please be with us financially God. We would love to be able to own our own home. Lord bless this desire if it is the right thing for us. Give us restraint with our money and help us to be able to see the big picture. I pray that You would help The OP and I to be "one" on this topic if it is the right course of action for us.

Lord please be with my father and his business endeavors. Times are hard. Please put the right people in his path. Give him wisdom and please ease his stress.

God I know that there is more, but You know my thoughts. Thank You for walking with me through my life. Thank You for giving me life. Thank You for giving me THIS life, I love it.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

A few days off...

I'm in the middle of a six day no work stint and I couldn't be happier. I have done nothing but shop for the past two days. The after Christmas sales around here are outrageous. I'm having a blast...can't you tell?!?!

Today I received a COMPLETELY unexpected Christmas bonus from my boss aka "dad". I never in a million years would have expected this, but oohhhhh does it make my heart sing. You see, The OP and I's financial situation is less than perfect. I constantly feel the burden of our finances and alas, The OP does not. It's really quite annoying, but I understand why. I grew up with and The OP definitely grew up without. What we have right now is more than The OP has ever had in his entire life. But for me what we have now is less than what I have had for almost my entire life. He says that I am obsessed with money, but really I feel like I am not. I don't like to be in debt and I want to own our own home. In order to do both of those things I must be frugile and squirrel away money. Things are tight...alot of the time things are tighter than I can handle. The OP makes a very good wage, but it's the child support that KILLS us. It's outrageous. I knew that going into it, though so I really can't complain. We will never be financially rich, I will never get to be a stay at home mom, and we will never get to travel as much as I would love to. Today's bonus sure does make me breathe a little easier though.

So, tomorrow I'm travelling about an hour away to visit some very dear friends of mine. These girls mean the world to me and I just don't get to see them much. I'm really looking forward to it. Sunday and Monday I plan on doing nothing except cleaning the downstairs of our house and cooking a little. New Years Eve we are having another couple over to our house to play games, eat, and watch football. Should be fun. New Years Day I will mourn the end of my vacation and attempt to psych myself into being ready for work the next day. Yuck.

step-mommy-ness

Well, from the beginning of The OP and I's relationship as soon as people found out that he had been married before and had two children they told me to turn around and walk in the other direction. They talked about how hard this was going to be and how it would probably not get any better and how difficult it would be to deal with the ex-wife. I was constantly nodding my head and I agreed with everything that they said. I had never dated someone that had been married before, but I DID somehow know that it would be hard. Boy...hard is just not a strong enough word for how difficult it is. No one ever talks about the stress of being the "new" wife/step-mommy. Yea, know one tells you that. Yes, it is MUCH harder on the kids than it would ever be for me, but the stress and the heartache that this entire situation has caused me is beyond words. Add to that the fact that this isn't something that is going to go away anytime soon...well, let's just say that I often have a bad attitude about it.

I want to clarify that I really do love The Ops sons, D and C. They are so close in age that they might as well be twins. They are beautiful children who can be down right angelic and fun to be around. I worry about them every single day and I often think that the stress would be easier on myself and The OP if they lived with us all the time, but they don't. We share. We live 45 minutes away from their mom so we only have them every other weekend. It stinks. I feel sorry for them. Divorce is such an ugly thing. You just can't understand how ugly and hurtful it is until you have lived it. Before I married The OP I knew nothing of divorce. No one in my family had been divorced. I was about to get a crash course.

Can I talk about the beeotch for a minutes. It makes me mad sometimes that The OP was married to her, I get mad that he has experienced life with her, I get even more mad to think about the fact that when I carry our child and give birth to it - he will have already experienced that...with another woman. Wow...blow to the gut. When I first realized this, it took me a while to get over it. Now, as we are about to hopefully embark on that journey together I have forbidden him from ever referring to his prior experience. Some people believe that this is ridiculous of me, but put yourself in my shoes. Seriously? Think about it.

Can I mention how difficult it is to share children? Here we have two children ages 7 and 5(almost 6). The OP and I sacrifice financially for them, we worry about them, we buy them things, we spend time with them, we give up a lot for these children, but yet we have no real influence on them due to the time factor. We aren't able to invest in them in the way that we need to. The way that we WANT to. The way that the boys NEED US TO. Let's face it The Bee and her husband are not exactly going to raise D and C like The OP and I would. That's hard to get over. PLUS, we have to deal with D and C and their behavior, which is often atrocious.

Here is my mantra..."Just do the best you can, you can only do your best...you have to be ok with that." Sad, huh?

Baby Shower

Today I attended a baby shower for a good friend of mine. Her baby boy was born 5 1/2 weeks early so he's already here and set to go home from the NICU tomorrow. At this point in my life I LOVE baby showers. I had fun hearing about his birth, looking at pictures, playing baby shower games, watching her open gifts and when I left I left with a real sense of longing.

One of my other friends attended the shower and she is nine weeks pregnant. Another girl was there with her four month old precious little girl. LONGING

I wish for a baby so badly that I can feel one in my arms sometimes. I craved to hear about every little detail of baby Cal's birth. I want to hear about the good, the bad and the ugly. When the four month old's mommy started to talk about her bout with colic I was all ears. What book was that that you read I said? Ohh yes, Happiest Baby on The Blo.ck. You taped the vaccum cleaner to replay as she goes to sleep every night? Yes, I've heard of that. Other people in the room were looking at me like I was crazy. You aren't pregnant, you don't have children of your own. Why do you know all of this stuff?? and what was I to say? Because I'm obsessed with the idea of becoming a mommy? No, I gave my standard answer...I've just been around a lot of babies and my husband and I are THINKING about having a baby in the future. It's all true, but I have also done more research on conceiving a child, carrying a child, birthing a child and raising a child than I would care to admit. I do partly blame this fact on my job. Let's face it, my job is borrrrrring. It provides me with plenty of time to surf the net and feed my obsession. It's not healthy, I know. But, there is something to be said for being prepared for a huge change in your life. There's a fine line, though and I may have crossed it.

So, am I jinxing myself? I have backed off quite a bit since my diagnosis. I've handled this mandatory "break" pretty well if I do say so myself.

Here's a vent though. My very good friend that is nine weeks pregnant is just SO non-chalant about the whole thing. She just has this attitude about it. She's nine weeks pregnant and has not done any research, no preparation. It drives me crazy! It's like she's not interested yet. The only thing that I heard her say about the pregnancy was that she already felt fat and it was really depressing her. UGH!!!! I wanted to smack her. Where's the joy? Where's the desire to no more? Is she abnormal...or it could quite possibly be me...abnormal. Hey well, my health is abnormal so why shouldn't the rest of me be abnormal as well?

Abnormality - It's the new black.

Birthday/Christmas List

Here's a list of things that I want for my birthday/christmas. Some of them are VERY far-fetched, but I'm putting them on there anyway.

• Camera - Digital, SLR, w/ lens
• Storm door for our front door
• A baby
• New House
• Tennis Shoes
• Gift Certificate for mani/pedis
• A baby
• Gift Certificate for clothes
• Christmas CDs
• Sugarland CD
• A baby
• A subscription to Real Simple Magazine
• New dirty laundry organizer
• Bath rugs for master bath
• Living Room furniture
• A baby

Quite the variety, huh?