C's Prayer

Tonight we sat down to dinner and we asked who wanted to say that prayer. C wanted to. In true C fashion the prayer took forever and he spoke very candidly to God, but it was what he said in the prayer that I will never forget. It went something like this. "Dear God, thank you for this food. Please be with the new baby. Help her not to get hurt. Help D and I to stay on green at school. Amen."

He remembered to pray for his little brother or sister! Absolutely amazing. Just a few weeks ago he prayed at the dinner table for the first time. He had always been afraid to before. I told him to just talk to God as if he were in front of you. Tell him what you need, thank him for what makes you happy and ask him for help when you need it. He learned pretty well, I guess! It was a beautiful moment.

BTW, when we told them about the baby, the first thing that they said was "We're going to have a sister!" haha...I guess we shall see.

Rant-a-licious

This is going to be a rant about The OP's ex-wife and my mother-in-law. (she's The OP's step mother so does that make her my step mother in law?)

Saturday night we went to The OP's aunt's house to celebrate his grandmother's birthday. All of the immediate family was going to be there. Now, let's review that The Op's father is married to his ex-wife's mother. Let's also review that the two families do not mix. The OP's siblings DO NOT get together with the step mother's siblings. We show up to the get together Saturday night and Aunt S informs me that my mother in law has said that the bee-otch is coming with her husband and bring the boys (D and C). I was in shock! Everyone else was in complete shock! I'm telling you that The OP's family (especially his brother and sister) H-A-T-E his ex-wife. We were all just completely dumbfounded as to why she came! I was SO mad at my step mother in law. She KNEW that Micheal and I are expecting a baby and that this would be the first time that we had been around his family since we found out and she had the NERVE to invite the bee-otch and her unfortunate husband! People wanted to talk to us about the baby, we wanted to talk about the baby, but nooooo we couldn't because SHE was there. Also, we have not told D and C yet. We wanted to tell them in person and not until after at least the first ultrasound. I mean I can't imagine anything worse than trying to explain it to them if something goes wrong. Talk about tension! It was absolutely horrible. Thank goodness for my sister-in-laws (it's not often that that phrase comes out of my mouth)...they really saved me. I was all for D and C being there. But seriously, their grandparents could have brought them! The OP and I just really felt like this was a slap in the face. I mean if I cannot even go to a family get together without worrying about seeing HER, then I just won't go. I haven't really talked to The OP about this...I think that I tried to block it from my mind. Why oh why do things like this always have to happen?

Frankly, the more that I think about it I blame my mother in law even more than I blame the bee. I'd like to just dot her in the eye.

New Gadget

My CBEFM came in the mail! Fun times.

I am so anxious about my doctor appointment which is next Monday, 1/14. I'm ready to get this show on the road and I just want to get through that appointment. I am supposed to ovulate next week so I would like to take advantage of that. We'll see what the bloodwork says, though.

So, as this weekend comes to a close my hair is cut and I feel great, C's birthday party left us with tons of great memories and an empty wallet, and baby Ana is doing well. I am more exhausted than when the weekend began!

What's on tap?

...for this weekend, I mean.

I'm leaving work at 3:15 to get my hair done! YAHOOO...cut and hi-lite, here I come. Isn't it amazing how much better you feel after getting your hair cut. I love it!

Then I have to drive 45 minutes away to pick up D and C. Then when The OP gets home I'm going to go to the grocery and then I'm going to the mall to buy adorable preemie outfits for little Ana.

Tomorrow is C's birthday party at the pizza place with games. This place stresses me out and is not fun for me. PLUS, apparantly The OP's brother and sister's families are coming. That alone is going to do me in. BUT, C will love it and I want him to have fun. After that I will be cleaning my house and taking down the rest of my holiday decor (I know...I'm a slacker).

Sunday=church. Then I will be going to visit the cousin L and Ana. She is doing very well by the way. Off the respirator, only receiving oxygen through the c-pap, now gets her mommy's milk, etc. She's a fighter and we just pray that it stays that way!

Ummm what about Britney Spears? She has definitely got a serious case of the crazies. Her poor, poor children!

Merry Christmas and a Freak Out

The holiday was great, but it was also a struggle. I look forward to Christmas SO MUCH! But, alas, I ALWAYS get soooo stressed out. We had to travel so much. Just day trips, mind you, but those are sometimes the worst! Drive there, drive back. Yuck. I honestly DID have a good time with my family and nothing beats that cozy feel of Christmas. We had the boys all weekend and let's just face it they add a whole new dimension of stress to the story...you know what I mean. They are rambunctious, they fight, they don't appreciate ANYTHING. The OP and I go them a good amount of gifts...as much as we could afford. To compare the amount to what I got as a child it was less so one would think that I would be ok with it. I wasn't. When they were done opening gifts at our house and every other house that we visited...I felt like we had done them a disservice. I felt like calling them spoiled little brats because that's what they were acting like. Daddy and step-mommy were in bad moods most of the time because of them. The holidays brought the worst out in the children. That's a big fat yuck. First it saddens me that I felt this way about them. Of course, I tried to hide it. But they just bug the crap out of me. They were so obnoxious and unappreciative. Is this a normal feeling. I'm a horrible person, I think. Secondly, I'm mad that it tainted my holiday bliss that I like to enjoy. By the time that last night rolled around...The OP was DONE. He was in SUCH a bad mood. We were at my parent's house and I just knew that I had to get him home so that he could be alone (as alone as you can be in a 1700 sf house with two adults, two ROWDY kids, and a dog). So home we went and he got to watch his Westerns for a few hours which is all he wanted to be able to do all day. Poor boy was socially exhausted. The last straw was when D ate his dinner too fast and then proceeded to throw up all over my mother's half bath. The OP had to clean it up. He was pissed. heehee. We went home. We banished the boys to their room to play with all of their new toys, The OP stayed downstairs and watched his beloved westerns, and I...well, I went to bed at 10:00.

So, here's my other beef with the holidays. My baby wanting was much much more acute. I want to know why it is that I stress and mourn for something that I haven't even really struggled for yet? I don't feel as if I DESERVE to have these feelings, but yet I do. I have wanted a child for so long. My entire life I've known that I wanted to be a wife and a mommy above all else. So, when The OP and I became engaged that baby "step" became much more real to me. Then when we were married...I was already ready. That was eight months ago. Then came the P.C.O.S. and I just fear the unknown. I just hate not knowing. But, isn't that what everyone says about so many things in life. I know that I just have to trust God, pray for his guidance, and pray that he gives me wisdom. Over the last few days I don't know how many times the thought went through my head..."maybe by this time next year we will have a baby here with us!". Maybe, just maybe.

We went to Ohio to visit family. My cousin, Lala is pregnant. She and I are VERY close. We are nothing alike, but we share a bond that can only be found by two people who have known one another for their entire lives. Her baby is due March 18th and this was the first time that I had seen her with a true baby belly. I wanted to cry. I wanted to weep with happiness for her. I wanted to weep with WANT for myself. I couldn't stop looking at it. Ohh I just cannot wait to hold her child. The Wanting has never hit me as hard as it did when I was visiting with her.

The Wanting...

p.s. I think that I might have ovulated yesterday. I have had a clear thermal shift. Of course, then again you never know. It could just be my polycystic ovaries firing up to go and then going SPLAT!!!

Christmastime

Can I just say that this is BY FAR my most favorite time of the year. Christmas is something that I look forward to all year long. It's not necessarily about Christmas day but it's about the season as a whole. The tree, the lights, the baking, the church services, the shopping...all of it. I love it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am a sucker for family time and the holiday season is chalk full of it. Last weekend we went and saw the movie Fred Claus. We had heard mixed reviews about this movie so I was a little anxious about seeing it, but we took the boys and my mom and we went. I was in heaven. It was Christmas galore and the movie really did have a great message. Of course, the movie was no Forest Gump, but it was great. I was beaming when I left the theatre. I can't help being a sucker.

Every year our company adopts a family that needs help. THIS is the other thing that I love about the season. I look forward to helping these people all year long. If I had money I would do this for people all the time because I love it soooo much. This year our family is from my hometown and we found them through some people that we know in the school system. The family consists of a mom and a dad who both work full time but don't have any health insurance and they barely make it. There is a grandmother with whom the family has had to move in with. They have five children. Ages: 6,7,8,9,10. We bought them tons of clothes, some toys, toiletries, dry goods, and we were able to put a few hundred dollars towards the family's electric bill. I dream about the looks on those children's faces as they open their gifts. I can only imagine the relief that their parents will feel.

The OP and I aren't buying gifts for one another. We're buying new living room furniture. Glory be to God! No more slipcovers, no more 20 year old couches, no more feeling like I still live in a dorm room.

step-mommy-ness

Well, from the beginning of The OP and I's relationship as soon as people found out that he had been married before and had two children they told me to turn around and walk in the other direction. They talked about how hard this was going to be and how it would probably not get any better and how difficult it would be to deal with the ex-wife. I was constantly nodding my head and I agreed with everything that they said. I had never dated someone that had been married before, but I DID somehow know that it would be hard. Boy...hard is just not a strong enough word for how difficult it is. No one ever talks about the stress of being the "new" wife/step-mommy. Yea, know one tells you that. Yes, it is MUCH harder on the kids than it would ever be for me, but the stress and the heartache that this entire situation has caused me is beyond words. Add to that the fact that this isn't something that is going to go away anytime soon...well, let's just say that I often have a bad attitude about it.

I want to clarify that I really do love The Ops sons, D and C. They are so close in age that they might as well be twins. They are beautiful children who can be down right angelic and fun to be around. I worry about them every single day and I often think that the stress would be easier on myself and The OP if they lived with us all the time, but they don't. We share. We live 45 minutes away from their mom so we only have them every other weekend. It stinks. I feel sorry for them. Divorce is such an ugly thing. You just can't understand how ugly and hurtful it is until you have lived it. Before I married The OP I knew nothing of divorce. No one in my family had been divorced. I was about to get a crash course.

Can I talk about the beeotch for a minutes. It makes me mad sometimes that The OP was married to her, I get mad that he has experienced life with her, I get even more mad to think about the fact that when I carry our child and give birth to it - he will have already experienced that...with another woman. Wow...blow to the gut. When I first realized this, it took me a while to get over it. Now, as we are about to hopefully embark on that journey together I have forbidden him from ever referring to his prior experience. Some people believe that this is ridiculous of me, but put yourself in my shoes. Seriously? Think about it.

Can I mention how difficult it is to share children? Here we have two children ages 7 and 5(almost 6). The OP and I sacrifice financially for them, we worry about them, we buy them things, we spend time with them, we give up a lot for these children, but yet we have no real influence on them due to the time factor. We aren't able to invest in them in the way that we need to. The way that we WANT to. The way that the boys NEED US TO. Let's face it The Bee and her husband are not exactly going to raise D and C like The OP and I would. That's hard to get over. PLUS, we have to deal with D and C and their behavior, which is often atrocious.

Here is my mantra..."Just do the best you can, you can only do your best...you have to be ok with that." Sad, huh?

Holiday Weekend Recap

Wednesday, November 21

• Annual Deer Roast at work. We have this in honor of all of our employess so that they know that they are appreciated. It's a nice event...even if management has to work their a**es off to pull the whole thing off.
• Go home and make corn casserole for Turkey Day.

Thursday, November 22 - ie; Turkey Day

• Go to Ohio with ma and pop...sans husband. He wanted to go hunting. He whined, he begged, he pleaded, he went. I really didn't mind actually. In hindsight, you will see that it was a good thing...Let's continue.
• On the way to Ohio receive call from good friend's husband. She is in active labor. Five and a half weeks early. Commence worrying.
• Eat at Grandma's. Protect my 4 year old cousin (who I love dearly dearly) from my aunt's crazy, spastic dog.
• Receive call from Husband's grandmother. The OPs father is in the hospital. Blood Clot in his lung. So, let's review about The OPs father. The OP and his daddy (yes, my husband is 30 YEARS OLD and he calls his father "daddy"...I think it's cute) are tight. When I say tight I mean the umbilicle cord might as well be attached between the two of them. So, when "daddy" goes to the hospital it's a HUGE deal. ALSO, the thing is that "daddy" is only 51 and he is in the hospital religiously. I'm serious. I'm not trying to make light of this fact but really, he is. So, I commence to worrying about "daddy".
• Receive call from good friend...the baby boy has arrived safe and sound. He's in the NICU but needs no help breathing. 4lbs. 6 oz. I'm breathing slightly easier now.

Friday November 23, 2007

• Visit Daddy in the hospital for approximately five hours.
• Eat lunch
• Go home and clean clean clean clean. By the way...T-minus 24 hours until the in-laws are packed like sardines into my little house eating my turkey. My stress level is at the maximum.
• The OP goes and picks up the boys from their mom. They arrive at our house with a fresh dose of nasty attitude and he and I want to strangle both of them within five minutes of their arrival. We proceed to really tick them off when we ban them from using the downstairs bathroom. They look at us with faces that say, "what the heck?". I explain that I already spent an hour cleaning that bathroom and I DON'T want to have to do it again. Little boys = not good at aiming for the toilette.
• We eat frozen pizza for dinner.
• I'm am struck with an EVEN WORSE headache than I have already had ALL day. I start to feel sweaty and nauseaus. I go to bed at 9:00. I feel absolutely horrible.

Saturday November 24, 2007

• The day dawns and I no longer have a headache, but am instead filled with dread for the coming 12 hours.
• "daddy" is still in the hospital. Still feeling a sense of dread and worry.
• The OP and I commence to a day full of cleaning, cooking, planning, and trying to time things perfectly while trying to keep the boys entertained and behaving. (I need to think of a nickname for them for this blog...I'll work on that).
• Receive phone call from "daddy" himself...he's out of the hospital. WHAT?!?! umm hello? He will be at the dinner tonight. Repeat look of amazement. How is this possible you ask? I have no idea....don't ask. Just go with it.
• Guests begin to arrive, the temperature on our 1st floor begins to rise, and rise, and rise. I begin to sweat and I don't stop.
• I'm cooking, re-heating what other people brought, setting stuff out. We eat. And then the clean up begins.
• I never knew my kitchen was so small. I'm overwhelmed. I'm still sweating.
• Sister in law gets ticked off. Long story.
• Everyone leaves by 6:30 (we ate at 5:15) except for The OPs sister. I'm thinking I did all that work for THAT!
• So, to quickly re-cap. The food and the presentation was amazing. I was sooooo proud of us. But, let's face it chargers and cloth napkins were lost on this crowd. The turkey was juicy, the mashed potatoes were perfection. Need I say more?

Sunday November 25, 2007

• My Birthday! Here was the plan. Go to church, go to lunch with the family, go see Fred Claus. That's what I wanted to do.
• Here's what really happened. Wake up, the five year old wakes up with a low grade fever and a sore throat. I go to church with the seven year old. The seven year old has an attitude and doesn't want to eat brunch with the family, I take him home to comiserate with his daddy and his sick brother. I eat brunch. My mom and dad come over with a homemade cake (have I mentioned how much I love my mother) and gifts.
• That evening The OP wanted me to go with him to take the boys to their mom. I said no. It was my birthday...not seeing her was a gift all to itself.
• I developed another headache and went to bed hoping that it would go away.

So, that was it. Five days of madness with not a relaxing moment in sight. Gotta love the holidays.