We're still Here!

WOW...I cannot believe that I have let this blog get away from me! I'm vowing to do better! At my last post I was 12 weeks along and still in the thick of the all day long knock me over with a stick sickness. That has FINALLY subsided...just last week. hehe. While I was sick I could barely look at the computer let alone post. Hopefully all of that is behind me now. Also since the end of March I have taken on a new job at work which has kept me v busy. Now that I'm done training I'm getting more of a handle on things, but it's still going to keep me busier than my previous job. I'm enjoying the change, though.

I turned 17 weeks yesterday. Here is what has happened on the baby front since March 26th.

• CHILDCARE...dun duh dunnnnn. This was my nightmare. This was a huge thing that I have been worrying about since pregnancy day 1. Who will watch my child while we are at work. Yes, I have a mother in town and No, she will not watch my child. People are shocked by this fact. First, I don't want her to be a babysitter. I want her to be a nana. There's a huge difference in my mind. Yes, it would save us TONS of money and that alone would almost make it worth it, but she's not willing and we're not asking. So, I found childcare and I'm going to write an entire post about it. All I can say is A-M-E-N
• I saw my endocrinologist in early April (and I will see her again next week) and everything went well. My blood pressure was fabulous at that visit and she was happy with my blood sugars. I asked her the million dollar question - What should I do about the metfor.min? Her answer was that "she couldn't answer that". She said since my sugars were good that I could try to go down to 1000 mg per day. I was so confused and annoyed by this. I know that A LOT of doctors want pregnant women off of it completely after the first trimester. Dr. H says that there's no problem being on it for the duration. So, I was faced with (a) look on the internet and get conflicting answers or (b) just trust the doctor. I went with the doctor (eek) and went down to 2 per day. My sugars got worse, but not drastically. I'm still waiting for the bottom to fall out in that department and for me to have to start insulin. I'm going to admit that I do not test every.single.time.I.should. That kind of worries me. I'm trying to do better, though. I must test no matter what I eat even if I KNOW that it's going to send my sugars high.
• At week 15 I had an appointment with my OB, Dr. C. At that appointment I have lost a total of 21 lbs since the beginning of the pregnancy and had gained none of it back. They were able to find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. That's some seriously sweet music, isn't it? Everything else was fine. So, then I asked Dr. C about the metformin. She said without a doubt go back to 1500 mg and stay on that for the duration. She promised me the medicine would not affect the baby in any way. So, I'm taking her word for it and there will be hell to pay if she's wrong. I mean what am I supposed to do? Well, going into this appointment I thought that we would be having our ultrasound four weeks from then at our next regularly scheduled appointment, which should have been May 15th. I cringed when my doctor said that we should wait five weeks for the next appointment. I cringed even more when the checkout lady scheduled the ultrasound for May 27th!!! I will be 21 weeks, people. I am dying of anxiousness here. My husband, our family, our friends, every.single.person.we.see is dying to know about this baby. God is teaching us a lesson in patience. He's such a funny guy.
• I'm still sleeping fine at night, BUT my dreams are off the hook. I have never had dreams this vivid, this wild, this ostentatious in my life. They are not always bad dream, but they are constant. All night long. I dream, I wake up to use the bathroom, I dream some more (repeat, repeat, repeat). It almost wears me out. I'm totally astounded by this. It's wild. I really hope that this goes away when the baby gets here.

So, that's the current wrap up. There's lots more that I want to say, but it will have to wait for another post.

Overwhelmed

I went to see the endocrinologist that my Obgyn referred me to yesterday. She specializes in insulin resistance in pregnancy. I really wasn't nervous on my way there, but I left feeling overwhelmed and somewhat defeated.

She wants me to test my blood sugars four times per day and follow a pretty strict diet where I basically must count carbohydrates. When I add this to everything that I am already doing...wow. It's a lot. I'm trying trying trying to stay somewhat positive about all of this. But really, this is sucking some of the joy out of this pregnancy. I'm really down about it. Why couldn't my body just be normal? Why?. Of course, things could be much worse and I shouldn't complain. But, yuck yuck yuck. I mean if I keep track of everything that I need to keep track of for my body, I won't have time to think of anything else. I'm hoping that over time this will get easier. I guess that we will see. All I know is, that after this baby...MAJOR DIET. Obviously something that I should have done before baby, but didn't. Big Mistake. (not dieting, I mean). So, now I must deal with this, do the best that I can, and hope that that is enough.

Also, I must keep track of my readings. Then fax them all to her every Monday. Then I have to go to her office every three weeks. It's $50.00 every time I go see her. Plus the cost of the supplies for the meter. We're going to be broke before the baby even gets here!

Dear God, please sustain me during this struggle. I know that You are here with me, Always. Help me to not lose faith that this will all be ok in the end. Amen.

seven weeks

Results

There really are no words that can describe the relief that I am feeling right now. You know, pregnancy is this wild, wonderful, yet elusive thing. They tell me that there is a baby growing inside of me and yet I feel no real evidence as of yet. How amazing is that?

I received the results today from my bloodwork that I had yesterday. My beta levels are great. As of right now this pregnancy is healthy and thriving. I had been a nervous wreck all day long and it was a looooong day. Proge.sterone is high, blood type is 0+, all that good stuff. The kicker...the kicker is that my hemogl.obin A1C has gone from 6.3 to 5.7 in just three weeks. That, my friends, is TRULY AMAZING!!!!!!!! I'm giving myself a huge round of applause for that one. Wow, all that I can say is Wow.

She is putting me on progesterone suppositories, though. Just for safe measure she said. Since I do have PCO.S and all that. Hey, whatever...I don't mind. Whatever it takes. I've heard that those things are kind of icky though. Ahh well. If I get to become a mommy it will all be worth it.

God has answered my prayers. Now I will start praying for next Thursday...the first ultrasound. Dun da dunnnnnn.....

5 weeks 2 days

Could I have made an oops?

Alright, well, this is my "diary" and I'm supposed to write everything that is on my heart. I'm not supposed to worry about what anyone thinks. I can't sensor myself that way. That's what I've been doing for the past few days.

I'm worried that I might be the p-word. Last week I O'd on Thursday, I know this because of OPK's and temping. I went to the doctor on Monday. Her exact words were "well, I'm pretty sure that your levels will have gone down. They weren't very elevated to begin with." So, The OP and I did the deed on Sunday night and Tuesday night. I wasn't going to do it on Tuesday night, but no one from the doctor's office called me with my results like they said they would so I guess that I stupidly thought that no news was good news. So we did it. Missionary, pre-seed, elevated hips afterward...the whole deal. It would be my luck that this would do the trick. My crazy luck.

If I am...I'm going to feel like a putz. There is going to be a shadow of worry and doubt over the beginning of my pregnancy. All of the risks keep running through my head. Poor egg quality, increased risk of birth defects, increased risk of downs syndrome, increased risk of miscarriage. Whew! So, I know that the chances of me being the p-word are small...miniscule even. Then if I am pregnant the chances of all of these negative outcomes are small, but they are still there. I'm not going to say that I'm freaking out about it, but seriously, it would be my luck. Get p-word when I shouldn't and don't get p-word when I can. These are just thoughts running through my head. I'm only 7 DPO...no symptoms...only this nagging dread that I've done something horribly wrong.

Shame on me

My hemog.lobin A1.c levels have not gone down. It's at a 6.3. In order to safely try for a baby it needs to be 6.0 or below. It's my fault and I know it. I just don't have a body that deals well with unhealthy eating and over the holidays (and beyond) I didn't do what I should have. I honestly feel a lot of shame about this. I've got to make it right.

Here are my excuses:

• It is expensive to eat healthy...honestly it is.
• It takes more of an effort to eat healthy. I will have to plan the meals. We can't just grab a quick bite to eat somewhere, unless it's a salad.
• I really get tired of salads very easily.
• When you are busy eating healthy easily goes out the window.

So, those are my excuses. I'm packing those excuses into a box, sealing them tightly and shipping them off to Borneo. Good-bye.

My Dr. thinks I'm a re-re

So I had my follow up appointment this morning.

First, I would like to say that my dr.'s office now has this huge waterfall/artpiece thing in the waiting room. My thought is that this is not a good idea in a room where many many pregnant women have to wait for hours on end for their appointments. Hello? The sound of rushing water definitely doesn't help with the ever present urge to go pee. Correct? Who thought of that one?

So, I didn't lose as much weight as I had thought...actually I didn't lose ANY weight. Stupid me, thought that I had. Stupid Stupid me. So, then after seeing the scale they wanted to take my blood pressure. Well, I have blood pressure that is VERY sensitive to my emotions. SO, when I saw the scale...BAM there it went. I knew right then and there that I was eventually going to lose it.

The NP comes in and sees that I'm upset and we talk about it. She asks if I want weight loss medicine. This would mean that we wouldn't be able to try for a baby for six more months. SHe says that the only reason that she is offering it is because I seem so upset. YES, I'm UPSET! Even the stupid metformin isn't helping me lose weight. I wanted to cuss. But, whatever, I'm not taking the medicine. I'm just going to try harder. I have to for my own sanity...and for my health. Everyone repeat this chant with me...I hate dieting, I hate dieting, I hate dieting...

So, we are to try on our own for 3 to 6 months. Basically after 3 months all I have to do is ask for the clomid and she'll give it to me...unmonitored mind you. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. We'll try for six months on our own and see what happens.

I asked her a million questions. One of which was does she think that I'm ovulating? "Of course," she said that since I'm regular, I'm ovulating. I didn't argue with her. I hate to be one of those patients that starts every sentence with, "well, I read on the internet". But, hell! I did read several times on the internet that just because you are regular doesn't mean that you are ovulating monthly.

She also told me that I don't need to use natural progesterone cream because I'm regular. I just thought that I would use it on the off chance that I DO become pregnant...to help with the chance of miscarriage. Whatever. I guess that I won't use it.

As our conversation went on and on, I just got more and more emtional until I was crying. Well, I started crying when she told me that I need to relax. I need to do whatever will help me to relax about this (pray, meditate, whatever). Don't get me wrong I completely know what she means and I didn't think that it was insensitive of her to tell me this because she's right...it's just that hearing that from my medical professional put me over the edge. I haven't cried about this whole situation until today. Right there in the little room where I could hear an ultrasound machine next door. Yuck. I felt like such a re-re. Like I've said before I just hate the "unknown" about all of this. Hell, we could conceive this week or we could conceive in two years. I really dislike my inability to plan this.

After she was done talking to me and I was good and splotchy, red, and tear stained(cause that's how I roll when I cry) and she wanted to re-check my blood pressure. OF COURSE, it wasn't any better. I was blubbering like an idiot. Lord. Help. Me.

Anyway, as soon as I get the blood work back tomorrow (which was just checking my blood sugars) we will be going full throttle in the baby making department even though we have no idea if our efforts will be all for nothing. I am not going to think about that, though. I'm going to pray, I'm going to have a positive attitude, and every month I may get frustrated, but I'm going to HOPE. Because when it comes right down to it, if you don't have hope...you've got nothing.

The one who gave me life

I think that my mother is slightly freaking out because of me. When I told her about the PCOS, her stress began. There is a history of diabetes and heart disease in her family and since PCOS is a very hard thing to understand she became very worried about me. Of course, really since I have insulin resistance there is a REASON to worry. I'm just trying to not let it bother me. I had also not told anyone that we were trying for a baby. Well, when the diagnosis happened that changed that. I told her and my father that as soon as my blood work came back positively we would be starting our baby journey. You should have seen their faces. I was less than thrilled with their response. The OP and I are on the same page though. With this diagnosis I do not want to sit around and do nothing. We need to go ahead and start trying. Who gives a crap that our first wedding anniversary isn't until April. I would have started trying on our wedding night if it hadn't have been for "what other people though". Well, now I say screw what other people think (which is, of course, the attitude that I should have in all things) we are trying and we are going to go full tilt until we run out of funds or until we are emotionally spent. I said that word clomid to my mother the other day and I thought that she was going to fall out of her seat. Then she made ME almost fall out of my seat. "When I took Clomid, I didn't have any side effects,"She said. Huh? My mother took clomid? I knew that they had had trouble (hence, I'm an only child), but I just never knew any of the details. My mom is not one to talk about things like baby making, girly bits, etc.

I think that her main concern is that I'm rushing into this. That I'm going to use fertility drugs without trying on our own for a longer time. I understand her concern...I have the same ones. Basically our plan right now is to do what my doctor tells me to do and then when I go for my annual exam in June I will move on to an RE if nothing good has happened. That gives us six months of trying on our own. That's enough especially when I already know what my problem is.

I'm 26, mom! I'm not a baby anymore! Get a grip, please...I'm going to need your support :)

New Gadget

My CBEFM came in the mail! Fun times.

I am so anxious about my doctor appointment which is next Monday, 1/14. I'm ready to get this show on the road and I just want to get through that appointment. I am supposed to ovulate next week so I would like to take advantage of that. We'll see what the bloodwork says, though.

So, as this weekend comes to a close my hair is cut and I feel great, C's birthday party left us with tons of great memories and an empty wallet, and baby Ana is doing well. I am more exhausted than when the weekend began!

Working the system

So, today AF came and when I looked at the calendar I realized that my appointment on the 17th is going to cut it way too close to O date for this cycle to even be a possibility. You see, my doctor has told us to NOT try to have a baby until I see her on the 17th. Now, I know why she is doing this, but it's just that no one elses doctor seems to be making them wait after they start the met. I am on pins. and. needles. I'm ready to go. Ready to try again. So what did I do about it? I changed my appointment. Is that shameless? Am I messing with fate? Am I forcing this? Or am I just going bat-crazy?

At this point I just feel like we need to make the most of every cycle.

As for this past cycle I'm really not sure if I ovulated or not. With Fertility Friend on the "advanced" setting I get dotted crosshairs with ovulation on cycle day 17, but with FF on the "FAM" setting I get no ovulation detected. GAH!! Seriously? Seriously. So, that's a big fat "who the heck knows if I ovulated or not". So, should I just go ahead and ask for the cl.omid at my appointment? I think that she'll give it to me. I'm just not sure if she will monitor me...which I'm not happy about. Ooooor, should I ask to be referred to an RE? I'm kind of leaning toward this option. So many people say that time spent with a regular OBGYN when you have PCOS is a waste of time. I'm not into wasting time.

I don't know if anyone reads this blog but...advice?

Merry Christmas and a Freak Out

The holiday was great, but it was also a struggle. I look forward to Christmas SO MUCH! But, alas, I ALWAYS get soooo stressed out. We had to travel so much. Just day trips, mind you, but those are sometimes the worst! Drive there, drive back. Yuck. I honestly DID have a good time with my family and nothing beats that cozy feel of Christmas. We had the boys all weekend and let's just face it they add a whole new dimension of stress to the story...you know what I mean. They are rambunctious, they fight, they don't appreciate ANYTHING. The OP and I go them a good amount of gifts...as much as we could afford. To compare the amount to what I got as a child it was less so one would think that I would be ok with it. I wasn't. When they were done opening gifts at our house and every other house that we visited...I felt like we had done them a disservice. I felt like calling them spoiled little brats because that's what they were acting like. Daddy and step-mommy were in bad moods most of the time because of them. The holidays brought the worst out in the children. That's a big fat yuck. First it saddens me that I felt this way about them. Of course, I tried to hide it. But they just bug the crap out of me. They were so obnoxious and unappreciative. Is this a normal feeling. I'm a horrible person, I think. Secondly, I'm mad that it tainted my holiday bliss that I like to enjoy. By the time that last night rolled around...The OP was DONE. He was in SUCH a bad mood. We were at my parent's house and I just knew that I had to get him home so that he could be alone (as alone as you can be in a 1700 sf house with two adults, two ROWDY kids, and a dog). So home we went and he got to watch his Westerns for a few hours which is all he wanted to be able to do all day. Poor boy was socially exhausted. The last straw was when D ate his dinner too fast and then proceeded to throw up all over my mother's half bath. The OP had to clean it up. He was pissed. heehee. We went home. We banished the boys to their room to play with all of their new toys, The OP stayed downstairs and watched his beloved westerns, and I...well, I went to bed at 10:00.

So, here's my other beef with the holidays. My baby wanting was much much more acute. I want to know why it is that I stress and mourn for something that I haven't even really struggled for yet? I don't feel as if I DESERVE to have these feelings, but yet I do. I have wanted a child for so long. My entire life I've known that I wanted to be a wife and a mommy above all else. So, when The OP and I became engaged that baby "step" became much more real to me. Then when we were married...I was already ready. That was eight months ago. Then came the P.C.O.S. and I just fear the unknown. I just hate not knowing. But, isn't that what everyone says about so many things in life. I know that I just have to trust God, pray for his guidance, and pray that he gives me wisdom. Over the last few days I don't know how many times the thought went through my head..."maybe by this time next year we will have a baby here with us!". Maybe, just maybe.

We went to Ohio to visit family. My cousin, Lala is pregnant. She and I are VERY close. We are nothing alike, but we share a bond that can only be found by two people who have known one another for their entire lives. Her baby is due March 18th and this was the first time that I had seen her with a true baby belly. I wanted to cry. I wanted to weep with happiness for her. I wanted to weep with WANT for myself. I couldn't stop looking at it. Ohh I just cannot wait to hold her child. The Wanting has never hit me as hard as it did when I was visiting with her.

The Wanting...

p.s. I think that I might have ovulated yesterday. I have had a clear thermal shift. Of course, then again you never know. It could just be my polycystic ovaries firing up to go and then going SPLAT!!!

Can't quit thinking about IT today

Today I have exchanged a few emails with a good friend of mine that I haven't previously told about my baby fever or my P.C.O.S. In her first email she asked me how I was doing. For some reason I answered her and spilled my guts. Talk about a long email. To explain PCOS to someone that has never heard of it is really an insurmountable task. I feel like I could write a book about it and I've only been diagnosed for five weeks. She's probably been completely overwhelmed reading my emails. I should have just called her. Some things are just easier to get off of your chest when you can type it out. (hence this is why I have a blog).

So how AM I doing with my syndrome? I'm fine. The side effects are getting to be fewer and fewer. They are really random and unpredictable, but they're nothing that I can't handle. I honestly do not feel any different and this worries me. My theory is that if the Met is working and my insulin is more regulated shouldn't I have more energy??!? I guess that I should preface that by saying that I've never in my life felt like I didn't have enough energy. I've felt fine really...I've never felt overly tired, I've never noticed any change. So really I don't know. It's just another conundrum of PCOS. The longer this goes on the more questions I have and the more I want to go and see and RE sooner rather than later. This syndrome is just SO complicated. I'm really trying to do more and more research on the internet. There are so many infertility blogs made by women just like me, but I can't seem to find someone that it just like me...I guess that's what I'm looking for. Someone that has my same symptoms, problems, side effects, etc. It's very hard to wade through all of it.

Can I also say that there are babies everywhere in my life. I'm definitely not bitter by any means about all of this yet. For goodness sake it has only been a few months. But, I am inpatient. God is teaching me a lesson. Anyway, babies are everywhere. Births, showers, bellies, babies babies babies. I can see where this gets to be very disheartening for many women in the long run. I've just got to keep a positive attitude because once my attitude turns that corner to sour...it's very hard for me to get it back.

My cousin who is three years younger than me is going to be a first time daddy with his new wife. They got married last January and she was pregnant by July. She was married before and has a 7 year old daughter, apparantly she got divorced the first time because she cheated. Well, she has now cheated on my cousin. I've known this little tidbit of information since September. I CANNOT EXPLAIN how hard this has been for me to not tell other people in my family. My cousin's brother is the one that told me. I know, my husband knows and my aunt and uncle know. That's it. So, this woman cheated on my cousin when she ALREADY KNEW THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT!!! Can you even believe it? My cousin doesn't know that I know. Ever since then I have just felt sooo bad for him. He doesn't deserve this. His brother told me that he has forgiven her and that they are working through it, but I think that things are not going well. I cannot imagine how hard this is for him. Don't you think that he secretly questions if the child is even his? I would. Let me tell you something, though. He will know the minute that the baby is born if she's not his. That family has the strongest genes imaginable. I'm telling you...we will all know. I think that it's just a matter of time before the rest of the family finds out. I don't know if their marraige will survive it. How am I supposed to keep holding on to this secret? I am soooo angry at her, but yet I have to act like things are a-ok. I love him like a little brother and I just want him to be happy. Yuck.

It's a new day

So, today old aunt flo (AF) is visiting me. Pretty much on schedule. This will be my third cycle off of birth con.trol. The first cycle was 26 days and the second was 30. Not bad. So, why is it that the MAIN SYMPTOM of PCOS is an irregular or missing period? And why is it that I have PCOS, but not this symptom? Why do I have to be an annomaly?

So, what is really killing me is the unknown. Yes, I know that this is what everyone says about ANYTHING that they are worried about, but it's soooo true. I want to know how long it is going to take me to become pregnant. I want to know if I truly ovulate (like I think I do) or is my body just tricking me out. I want to know if we are going to have to use fertility drugs or IUI or IVF! GAH...a girl needs to know these things. Hello! God, are you there? Where's my crystal ball???

I really wish that it was January 17th so that I could go to the doctor and get on with this!

Conversation

This conversation occurred while driving with my best friend on our way to shop.

LD: "So, how's it going with that medicine?"

Me: "Um...I feel slighty naseous all of the time."

LD: "Oh...umm....OK."

And that was it. Only someone else on this medicine can know what I mean.

Death to the Met

This medicine is driving me crazy. I'm taking 1000 mg. now and I'm supposed to up that to 1500 mg tonight. I'm nauseaus, have a headache and I just generally don't feel like myself. YUCK! I hope this subsides. I have even been trying to watch what I eat. I thought that I actually did really well over the Thanksgiving holiday, but that was when my symptoms started up! Gah...I'm going to be optimistic that this is going to get better.

Fever Update

So, today I stepped up my metf.ormin intake to 1,000 mg. So far I've had very minimal side effects. As we have already established on this blog I am an worry wart. Basically I'm thinking that either I'm not going to feel the side effects until I get up to 1,500 mg or it's not working at all.

I have done a horrible job about working on my diet and I haven't been to the gym in A WEEK! I just can't help it...this Thanksgiving thing is really overwhelming me and I just can't do it all. I know that I have to, though. So, next week I will. I promise.

Does anyone else in this world feel like the internet is a double edged sword? Through the internet it's like the world is at your finger tips. Shopping, researching, chatting, anything you want it's there. For me, it has become too much. I read blogs, I read message boards, I read medical papers....and all of these things are scaring the shite out of me! I just can't help it though...I just keep reading. What I'm reading is not good. Why oh why do I torture myself?!?!?

Also, here in the land of Thanksgiving...I'm tired of cooking. Why is my family like this? Here's the list.

1. Sunday - Thanksgiving w/ Dad's family; pumpkin pecan pie, asparagus casserole, spinach artichoke dip
2. Wednesday - Thanksgiving at work; brownies, no bake cookies (enough to feed 80 people)
3. Thursday - Thanksgiving w/ Mom's family; corn casserole
4. Saturday - Thanksgiving w/ the in-laws; Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, cooked carrots...also add in clean the entire house to this list.

Also, here in the land of Christmas shopping...little boys have boring clothing. That's why I need a little girl (PLEASE GOD!!!). Boys wear jeans, track pants, t-shirts, sweatshirts, and polo shirts. My boys won't wear sweaters, vests, zip up hoodies...blah blah blah. Their mother has ensured that they don't have good taste.

I'm cooking up a post about being a wife to a person with an ex-wife, being a step mom, etc. We'll see.

Cysts and Syndromes

Monday night The OP had a cyst removed from his cheek. The cyst had been there for about seven years and about five years ago he had it removed, but then it grew back. Our good friend, Dr. LV performed the procedure and she let me watch! It was soooo cool. Of course, The OP didn't really appreciate my exclamations of "Ohhh neat....Interesting...Wow! I never realized!". Hey! At least somebody got to have a good time.

I definitely have P.COS. Ms. NP did a wonderful job of explaining everything to me. I just wish that she could have explained it to my mother because I think that she is freaking out. How do I feel about the diagnosis? Worried. BUT I am trying very hard to not stress out. I was started on met.formin and I will go back in January for more blood work to see if things have evened out. If they have we can try for a baby again. I'm just not a patient person...God is teaching me a lesson. I'll get through. I'm trying to not make too big of a deal out of it. The OP doesn't deal well with "big deals".

A diagnosis of P.COS is a life changing event. I get that. I just hope that I have the fortitude to do what needs to be done. More diet, more exercise, daily medication, blah blah blah. The story of my life.

On a side note I think that my mother has this same syndrome and that that is why she could never have any more children. I was a fluke.

I'm not surprised

So, Ms. C (the NP) called yesterday and told me that she basically thinks that I have PCO.S. Which, after doing some research, is actually worse than having a thyroid problem. I'm not surprised. I figured that this wouldn't be easy for me/us. All I know is that I have to get it under control. We're talking life long consequences here. Add in family history and already being overweight. Well, that's just a recipe for disaster. I want to figure out how to control this, and I also desperately want to have a child of my own. I truly believe that God has a child in our future...I just don't know when.

So today we begin the journey that is soooo easy for some and yet impossible for others. Let's just hope that it's not impossible for us. I'm going to have another consulation with Ms. C today and see what she says.

"The day is just dawning and I am just rising. I pray that my HOPE won't fail."

I don't know who wrote this, but I love it...always have.