Goodbye 2007

I have to say that 2007 was a fairly smooth and fine year. Sometimes, like many others, I just wonder when the other ball is going to drop. Until that time comes, though, I just enjoy my life...every minute of it because I know that everything can change in an instant.


January through March of 2007 was filled with wedding planning, bridal showers, and a great bachelorette weekend. I have never been in more awe of the people in my life. The love that they showed me in those days, I will never forget. Mutiple showers, beautiful decorations, wonderful friends. I was so flattered because I had just never realized. So, after all of that I have decided to pay it forward in a way. Weddings and babies...I'm going to be there for the people that I love. A great attitude and a little attnetion can go a long way.


April was a whirlwind of final preparations, planning, and the wedding itself. Our wedding was everything that I wanted and more. Yes, there were things that I would have changed, but I try not to dwell on those things. The love that we felt on that day that we joined our lives together was amazingly beautiful. Words cannot describe how special our wedding day was. We were so happy. We ARE so happy. In May we were on our honeymoon in Hawaii. It was an absolutely magical time and we are determined to go back one day. After the honeymoon we returned home and began the adjustment. No wedding to plan, no big event to look forward to. Just live, work and raise the boys. May and June were filled with D's baseball games and fun at the pool. My dad's 50th birthday was in June and we had a fine surprise celebration for him. Another of my best friends was married in June and then in August my cousin was married.


June through September were filled with problems with the ex-wife. It was a time of turmoil and stress culminating in a very heartbreaking and embarssing scene. (I may blog about it some day). Needless to say during these months The OP and I were VERY stressed. All of the drama/controversery really brought us even closer together, though. Thank.You.God.


In August, September and October the OP spent a lot of time coaching D's soccer team. This was definitely a bright spot for the year. It was wonderful to watch D have fun with paying soccer and to watch The OP coach this team so well. I was so proud of him.


In October I ended my BCP and had high hopes. Hopes that were eventually dashed just a little bit, but as we all know I'm gearing the hope up again because in a few weeks I'm hoping that we will be back in the game that could change our lives forever.


Work this year has been mundane to say the least, but I'm fairly well paid and I have a lot of freedom. I work with family which at times can be trying, but in a way I wouldn't trade it for the world. For The OP this year at work has been a time of success. He has really found himself this year and his place. He's proud of himself and that is a huge deal! I'm proud of him, his family is proud of him and my family is sooo proud of him. There has been some adversity for him on the job, but he has been able to overcome and move through it.


Our friendships with other people have taken somewhat of a backward slide in 2007. I wouldn't say that it is a huge regression, but it's there. My friendships, the further that I get away from college, get harder and harder to maintain. I think that there are several of my friends that I will always be friends with, but I'm not going to lie it takes work! Hard work. The OP does not really have any true friends. I believe that he deals with this fact very well, but he does have his moments. It's just depressing to him. The OP had many many friends in "the good old days" when he was a big bad redneck. Now that he is just a big good redneck those people are not his friends anymore and he has struggled to make new friends. He just doesn't have anything in common with my friend's significant others.

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I began writing this post on 12/30 and at about 2:50 I quit writing and went to go shopping with a friend. Then I received a phone call. My dear cousin, Laura, 29 weeks pregnant had started bleeding. She was rushed to the hospital. No idea what would happen. I freaked out. Laura is a year older than me and she and I have always been like two peas in a pod. We really have nothing in common, but yet we are close. This baby will be like my neice or nephew. I was balling. I ran home, scared my husband half to death, threw some clothes in a bag and raced out the door to drive an hour and twenty minutes to the hospital. I was about 20 minutes away when I received the call that through an emergency c-section Laura had given birth to a baby girl...as of right now everyone was fine. I have never felt so much relief in all of my life. 2 lbs. 6 oz...Anna. She has a long long road ahead of her, but we are praying and hopeful that everything will be ok.

It was a placental abruption. Laura was washing dishes and felt a trickle. It was blood and it started slowly but within minutes was gushing. She called 911 and was rushed to the hospital. They had hoped to give the steroid shots and then deliver in about 24 hours, but when they got to the hospital her body started to go into full blown labor. Hence, the emergency c-section. It all happened in the space of two and a half hours. Eleven weeks early.

Wow.

A few days off...

I'm in the middle of a six day no work stint and I couldn't be happier. I have done nothing but shop for the past two days. The after Christmas sales around here are outrageous. I'm having a blast...can't you tell?!?!

Today I received a COMPLETELY unexpected Christmas bonus from my boss aka "dad". I never in a million years would have expected this, but oohhhhh does it make my heart sing. You see, The OP and I's financial situation is less than perfect. I constantly feel the burden of our finances and alas, The OP does not. It's really quite annoying, but I understand why. I grew up with and The OP definitely grew up without. What we have right now is more than The OP has ever had in his entire life. But for me what we have now is less than what I have had for almost my entire life. He says that I am obsessed with money, but really I feel like I am not. I don't like to be in debt and I want to own our own home. In order to do both of those things I must be frugile and squirrel away money. Things are tight...alot of the time things are tighter than I can handle. The OP makes a very good wage, but it's the child support that KILLS us. It's outrageous. I knew that going into it, though so I really can't complain. We will never be financially rich, I will never get to be a stay at home mom, and we will never get to travel as much as I would love to. Today's bonus sure does make me breathe a little easier though.

So, tomorrow I'm travelling about an hour away to visit some very dear friends of mine. These girls mean the world to me and I just don't get to see them much. I'm really looking forward to it. Sunday and Monday I plan on doing nothing except cleaning the downstairs of our house and cooking a little. New Years Eve we are having another couple over to our house to play games, eat, and watch football. Should be fun. New Years Day I will mourn the end of my vacation and attempt to psych myself into being ready for work the next day. Yuck.

Merry Christmas and a Freak Out

The holiday was great, but it was also a struggle. I look forward to Christmas SO MUCH! But, alas, I ALWAYS get soooo stressed out. We had to travel so much. Just day trips, mind you, but those are sometimes the worst! Drive there, drive back. Yuck. I honestly DID have a good time with my family and nothing beats that cozy feel of Christmas. We had the boys all weekend and let's just face it they add a whole new dimension of stress to the story...you know what I mean. They are rambunctious, they fight, they don't appreciate ANYTHING. The OP and I go them a good amount of gifts...as much as we could afford. To compare the amount to what I got as a child it was less so one would think that I would be ok with it. I wasn't. When they were done opening gifts at our house and every other house that we visited...I felt like we had done them a disservice. I felt like calling them spoiled little brats because that's what they were acting like. Daddy and step-mommy were in bad moods most of the time because of them. The holidays brought the worst out in the children. That's a big fat yuck. First it saddens me that I felt this way about them. Of course, I tried to hide it. But they just bug the crap out of me. They were so obnoxious and unappreciative. Is this a normal feeling. I'm a horrible person, I think. Secondly, I'm mad that it tainted my holiday bliss that I like to enjoy. By the time that last night rolled around...The OP was DONE. He was in SUCH a bad mood. We were at my parent's house and I just knew that I had to get him home so that he could be alone (as alone as you can be in a 1700 sf house with two adults, two ROWDY kids, and a dog). So home we went and he got to watch his Westerns for a few hours which is all he wanted to be able to do all day. Poor boy was socially exhausted. The last straw was when D ate his dinner too fast and then proceeded to throw up all over my mother's half bath. The OP had to clean it up. He was pissed. heehee. We went home. We banished the boys to their room to play with all of their new toys, The OP stayed downstairs and watched his beloved westerns, and I...well, I went to bed at 10:00.

So, here's my other beef with the holidays. My baby wanting was much much more acute. I want to know why it is that I stress and mourn for something that I haven't even really struggled for yet? I don't feel as if I DESERVE to have these feelings, but yet I do. I have wanted a child for so long. My entire life I've known that I wanted to be a wife and a mommy above all else. So, when The OP and I became engaged that baby "step" became much more real to me. Then when we were married...I was already ready. That was eight months ago. Then came the P.C.O.S. and I just fear the unknown. I just hate not knowing. But, isn't that what everyone says about so many things in life. I know that I just have to trust God, pray for his guidance, and pray that he gives me wisdom. Over the last few days I don't know how many times the thought went through my head..."maybe by this time next year we will have a baby here with us!". Maybe, just maybe.

We went to Ohio to visit family. My cousin, Lala is pregnant. She and I are VERY close. We are nothing alike, but we share a bond that can only be found by two people who have known one another for their entire lives. Her baby is due March 18th and this was the first time that I had seen her with a true baby belly. I wanted to cry. I wanted to weep with happiness for her. I wanted to weep with WANT for myself. I couldn't stop looking at it. Ohh I just cannot wait to hold her child. The Wanting has never hit me as hard as it did when I was visiting with her.

The Wanting...

p.s. I think that I might have ovulated yesterday. I have had a clear thermal shift. Of course, then again you never know. It could just be my polycystic ovaries firing up to go and then going SPLAT!!!

Here's the weird part...

Ok, I'm about to blow everyone's mind. Here's my weirdness. BUT, I want to clarify that the only reason that I'm weird is BECAUSE of my husband.

The OPs father is married to the ex-wife's mother. So, basically the bee-otch is The OPs ex-wife and step sister all in the same swoop. Now, mamaw and papaw didn't get married until about four years ago, but let's face it this only makes this situation slightly less weird. The other saving grace about it is that The OPs real siblings really dislike Mamaw's daughters so we never have to do anything with them as "one big happy family". Thank. the. Lord.

The OP, though, actually likes mamaw's daughters (other than the bee-otch). So, at this present time my husband's ex-wife's sister and her husband are staying at our house. Now, if you didn't know all of that other background this would be weird. Heck...it's still weird no matter how you pull it. That's why when The OP told me about this visit, I was less than thrilled. I don't mind to spend time and visit, but they STAYED THE NIGHT. They are alone in our house this morning while WE ARE AT WORK. I'm taking them to the airport in a few hours. I hid a lot of stuff and I wish I had a camera to see if they snoop around. I like these two, really I do but I don't know them all that well and neither, really, does The OP. PLUS, the step-sister is always going to be the ex-wife's sister, first and foremost. I'm convinced that she is at my house this very minute going through our stuff. Looking in the boys room to see if we have adequate accomodations for them, looking through our night stand to try to find something incriminating, looking through our important papers, etc. I'm imagining it all. I've never had an experience like this. Ummm actually probably no one has had an experience like this. My dog better be in one piece when I get home. Of course my honey is not worried about any of this. He told me I was crazy. Isn't there some statistic that like 75% of people will look in the cabinets when they are using the restroom at someone elses home. These people have hours to do this. Then I'm wondering...what would I do if I were in their situation? I honestly have no idea. GAH...I can't wait until this is over!

Tis the season

For...

• Not having enough time to bake, which is one of my most favorite things to do around the holidays.
• Burning up the credit card.
• Snuggling up on the sofa with my honey or the doggy or a good book.
• Feeling frazzled by all of the hustle and bustle.
• Wishing that there would be either a baby in my arms or in my belly.
• Praying that my Christmas cards that I ordered online come in on time so that I don't look like an unorganized dork.
• Looking forward to seeing the fam!
• Back aches from sitting on the floor for so long wrapping presents.
• Constant bathroom problems because of the Me.tformin. BECAUSE I can't stay away from the sugar and the carbs.
• Not ever being able to make it to the gym.
• Being behind at work because of days off.
• Christmas music...all day long...everyday. I LOVE IT!
• Watching every Christmas movie known to man...because, that's just what you do, isn't it?
• Looking forward to going to the mailbox just to see the latest Christmas card.
• Dreading January
• My heating unit going on the brink.
• Hot cocoa from Panera.
• Driving slowly at night in order to take in all of the twinkling lights.
• Joy!

Can't quit thinking about IT today

Today I have exchanged a few emails with a good friend of mine that I haven't previously told about my baby fever or my P.C.O.S. In her first email she asked me how I was doing. For some reason I answered her and spilled my guts. Talk about a long email. To explain PCOS to someone that has never heard of it is really an insurmountable task. I feel like I could write a book about it and I've only been diagnosed for five weeks. She's probably been completely overwhelmed reading my emails. I should have just called her. Some things are just easier to get off of your chest when you can type it out. (hence this is why I have a blog).

So how AM I doing with my syndrome? I'm fine. The side effects are getting to be fewer and fewer. They are really random and unpredictable, but they're nothing that I can't handle. I honestly do not feel any different and this worries me. My theory is that if the Met is working and my insulin is more regulated shouldn't I have more energy??!? I guess that I should preface that by saying that I've never in my life felt like I didn't have enough energy. I've felt fine really...I've never felt overly tired, I've never noticed any change. So really I don't know. It's just another conundrum of PCOS. The longer this goes on the more questions I have and the more I want to go and see and RE sooner rather than later. This syndrome is just SO complicated. I'm really trying to do more and more research on the internet. There are so many infertility blogs made by women just like me, but I can't seem to find someone that it just like me...I guess that's what I'm looking for. Someone that has my same symptoms, problems, side effects, etc. It's very hard to wade through all of it.

Can I also say that there are babies everywhere in my life. I'm definitely not bitter by any means about all of this yet. For goodness sake it has only been a few months. But, I am inpatient. God is teaching me a lesson. Anyway, babies are everywhere. Births, showers, bellies, babies babies babies. I can see where this gets to be very disheartening for many women in the long run. I've just got to keep a positive attitude because once my attitude turns that corner to sour...it's very hard for me to get it back.

My cousin who is three years younger than me is going to be a first time daddy with his new wife. They got married last January and she was pregnant by July. She was married before and has a 7 year old daughter, apparantly she got divorced the first time because she cheated. Well, she has now cheated on my cousin. I've known this little tidbit of information since September. I CANNOT EXPLAIN how hard this has been for me to not tell other people in my family. My cousin's brother is the one that told me. I know, my husband knows and my aunt and uncle know. That's it. So, this woman cheated on my cousin when she ALREADY KNEW THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT!!! Can you even believe it? My cousin doesn't know that I know. Ever since then I have just felt sooo bad for him. He doesn't deserve this. His brother told me that he has forgiven her and that they are working through it, but I think that things are not going well. I cannot imagine how hard this is for him. Don't you think that he secretly questions if the child is even his? I would. Let me tell you something, though. He will know the minute that the baby is born if she's not his. That family has the strongest genes imaginable. I'm telling you...we will all know. I think that it's just a matter of time before the rest of the family finds out. I don't know if their marraige will survive it. How am I supposed to keep holding on to this secret? I am soooo angry at her, but yet I have to act like things are a-ok. I love him like a little brother and I just want him to be happy. Yuck.

Christmastime

Can I just say that this is BY FAR my most favorite time of the year. Christmas is something that I look forward to all year long. It's not necessarily about Christmas day but it's about the season as a whole. The tree, the lights, the baking, the church services, the shopping...all of it. I love it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am a sucker for family time and the holiday season is chalk full of it. Last weekend we went and saw the movie Fred Claus. We had heard mixed reviews about this movie so I was a little anxious about seeing it, but we took the boys and my mom and we went. I was in heaven. It was Christmas galore and the movie really did have a great message. Of course, the movie was no Forest Gump, but it was great. I was beaming when I left the theatre. I can't help being a sucker.

Every year our company adopts a family that needs help. THIS is the other thing that I love about the season. I look forward to helping these people all year long. If I had money I would do this for people all the time because I love it soooo much. This year our family is from my hometown and we found them through some people that we know in the school system. The family consists of a mom and a dad who both work full time but don't have any health insurance and they barely make it. There is a grandmother with whom the family has had to move in with. They have five children. Ages: 6,7,8,9,10. We bought them tons of clothes, some toys, toiletries, dry goods, and we were able to put a few hundred dollars towards the family's electric bill. I dream about the looks on those children's faces as they open their gifts. I can only imagine the relief that their parents will feel.

The OP and I aren't buying gifts for one another. We're buying new living room furniture. Glory be to God! No more slipcovers, no more 20 year old couches, no more feeling like I still live in a dorm room.

step-mommy-ness

Well, from the beginning of The OP and I's relationship as soon as people found out that he had been married before and had two children they told me to turn around and walk in the other direction. They talked about how hard this was going to be and how it would probably not get any better and how difficult it would be to deal with the ex-wife. I was constantly nodding my head and I agreed with everything that they said. I had never dated someone that had been married before, but I DID somehow know that it would be hard. Boy...hard is just not a strong enough word for how difficult it is. No one ever talks about the stress of being the "new" wife/step-mommy. Yea, know one tells you that. Yes, it is MUCH harder on the kids than it would ever be for me, but the stress and the heartache that this entire situation has caused me is beyond words. Add to that the fact that this isn't something that is going to go away anytime soon...well, let's just say that I often have a bad attitude about it.

I want to clarify that I really do love The Ops sons, D and C. They are so close in age that they might as well be twins. They are beautiful children who can be down right angelic and fun to be around. I worry about them every single day and I often think that the stress would be easier on myself and The OP if they lived with us all the time, but they don't. We share. We live 45 minutes away from their mom so we only have them every other weekend. It stinks. I feel sorry for them. Divorce is such an ugly thing. You just can't understand how ugly and hurtful it is until you have lived it. Before I married The OP I knew nothing of divorce. No one in my family had been divorced. I was about to get a crash course.

Can I talk about the beeotch for a minutes. It makes me mad sometimes that The OP was married to her, I get mad that he has experienced life with her, I get even more mad to think about the fact that when I carry our child and give birth to it - he will have already experienced that...with another woman. Wow...blow to the gut. When I first realized this, it took me a while to get over it. Now, as we are about to hopefully embark on that journey together I have forbidden him from ever referring to his prior experience. Some people believe that this is ridiculous of me, but put yourself in my shoes. Seriously? Think about it.

Can I mention how difficult it is to share children? Here we have two children ages 7 and 5(almost 6). The OP and I sacrifice financially for them, we worry about them, we buy them things, we spend time with them, we give up a lot for these children, but yet we have no real influence on them due to the time factor. We aren't able to invest in them in the way that we need to. The way that we WANT to. The way that the boys NEED US TO. Let's face it The Bee and her husband are not exactly going to raise D and C like The OP and I would. That's hard to get over. PLUS, we have to deal with D and C and their behavior, which is often atrocious.

Here is my mantra..."Just do the best you can, you can only do your best...you have to be ok with that." Sad, huh?

It's a new day

So, today old aunt flo (AF) is visiting me. Pretty much on schedule. This will be my third cycle off of birth con.trol. The first cycle was 26 days and the second was 30. Not bad. So, why is it that the MAIN SYMPTOM of PCOS is an irregular or missing period? And why is it that I have PCOS, but not this symptom? Why do I have to be an annomaly?

So, what is really killing me is the unknown. Yes, I know that this is what everyone says about ANYTHING that they are worried about, but it's soooo true. I want to know how long it is going to take me to become pregnant. I want to know if I truly ovulate (like I think I do) or is my body just tricking me out. I want to know if we are going to have to use fertility drugs or IUI or IVF! GAH...a girl needs to know these things. Hello! God, are you there? Where's my crystal ball???

I really wish that it was January 17th so that I could go to the doctor and get on with this!

Conversation

This conversation occurred while driving with my best friend on our way to shop.

LD: "So, how's it going with that medicine?"

Me: "Um...I feel slighty naseous all of the time."

LD: "Oh...umm....OK."

And that was it. Only someone else on this medicine can know what I mean.

Baby Shower

Today I attended a baby shower for a good friend of mine. Her baby boy was born 5 1/2 weeks early so he's already here and set to go home from the NICU tomorrow. At this point in my life I LOVE baby showers. I had fun hearing about his birth, looking at pictures, playing baby shower games, watching her open gifts and when I left I left with a real sense of longing.

One of my other friends attended the shower and she is nine weeks pregnant. Another girl was there with her four month old precious little girl. LONGING

I wish for a baby so badly that I can feel one in my arms sometimes. I craved to hear about every little detail of baby Cal's birth. I want to hear about the good, the bad and the ugly. When the four month old's mommy started to talk about her bout with colic I was all ears. What book was that that you read I said? Ohh yes, Happiest Baby on The Blo.ck. You taped the vaccum cleaner to replay as she goes to sleep every night? Yes, I've heard of that. Other people in the room were looking at me like I was crazy. You aren't pregnant, you don't have children of your own. Why do you know all of this stuff?? and what was I to say? Because I'm obsessed with the idea of becoming a mommy? No, I gave my standard answer...I've just been around a lot of babies and my husband and I are THINKING about having a baby in the future. It's all true, but I have also done more research on conceiving a child, carrying a child, birthing a child and raising a child than I would care to admit. I do partly blame this fact on my job. Let's face it, my job is borrrrrring. It provides me with plenty of time to surf the net and feed my obsession. It's not healthy, I know. But, there is something to be said for being prepared for a huge change in your life. There's a fine line, though and I may have crossed it.

So, am I jinxing myself? I have backed off quite a bit since my diagnosis. I've handled this mandatory "break" pretty well if I do say so myself.

Here's a vent though. My very good friend that is nine weeks pregnant is just SO non-chalant about the whole thing. She just has this attitude about it. She's nine weeks pregnant and has not done any research, no preparation. It drives me crazy! It's like she's not interested yet. The only thing that I heard her say about the pregnancy was that she already felt fat and it was really depressing her. UGH!!!! I wanted to smack her. Where's the joy? Where's the desire to no more? Is she abnormal...or it could quite possibly be me...abnormal. Hey well, my health is abnormal so why shouldn't the rest of me be abnormal as well?

Abnormality - It's the new black.